The Final Thought

I could go on forever. I love to talk to people. Everyone has a story. I was talking to my friend Jeff the other day about this book, relationships , work, and kids. He made a very valuable assessment of me . "Tom you've had your Ah HA moment. It took almost losing your son. To deny someone you love their Ah Ha moment so they don't get hurt is your own selfishness trying to fix them." So true.

So what Happened and what now?

I have had several talks with several different people about this and all have led me to this chapter., The main reason, being that there is a very valuable lesson and story here. My intentions of this book were to talk about how I had overcome the abuse of my childhood to forge through to a sucessfull relationship with Tommy, Jennifer and Maria.
I love movies. I am an only child , so I often watched movies and imagined my life in the stories. I wanted to be the Outlaw Josie Wales. I wanted to be John Cusack holding up the radio for his love to hear "in your eyes" after they broke up. I wante to be Eric Stoltz who realized that Watts was his true love. I wanted to be Rocky, who won the title only after being encouraged by his wife coming out of a coma. I wanted to be Ryan Gosling who reads to his dieing wife the story of their romance. And sadly, I wanted to be Jake from Sweet Home Alabama who wins his love back by making something out of his life. Unfortnatley I am human and I haven't had several people go over the script of my life to edit it to become the perfect romance and/or sucess story. I'm just Tom. A regular single dad.
Jennifer and I did end up getting engaged. I threw an amazing surprise engagement party and had her family and friends there. I was so happy. I had found the right one. Everyone loved us together and I saw a future full of adventure and children ahead. There was a hitch. There are two people in every relationship. It helps if they are both happy. Jennifer wasn't happy. She felt claustrophobic. She felt unfullfilled. She wasn't in love with me anymore. About 7 months after our engagement she told me all of this. I was shattered. I found out soon after that I had cancer and it put her plans of leaving on hold for the time being. She was my rock in many ways. I hoped that I would talk her out of it. That she would wake up and see the light. She never did. I know I could have talked her out of it. I know there are things I could have told her that would have made me seem more appealing. But I didn't. I hoped that she would leave and find her way back based on how connected we were. I came to find out later, that I wasn't the only one in her life. I felt betrayed, embarassed, and more than a little angry. My Grandfather told me once that you can't lose something that was never yours to begin with. In the beginning I felt that I had lost Jennifer .As time passed I realized that she wasn't the right person for me. While we were, and still are so similar on many levels, we were ,and still are different on many important ones. My abuse left me with a fierce desire and need to protect people. I always waited for help that just never came. As result of this I became a very protective parent, friend, and partner. This protectiveness can come across as confinement. In the midst of our break-up I still had this overwhelming need to protect her. The reality of this is , that someone who has experieced some of the things Jennifer did, this protectiveness can be labeled controlling and confining. While we had similar scripts in life, our points of view and parts we played were so very different. One thing I needed to come to grips with, is that this wasn't about me. My first reaction was to criticize myself and beat myself up. What did I do? Why doesn't she want me? Why am I not good enough?But we were so happy. The answer is I didn't "do " anything. She didn't want me because she just didn't . I am deffinitely good enough, she just needed certain other needs fulfilled. As for happiness; I was happy, she wasn't. Time does heal wounds , it just takes time, and sometimes time seems like it takes an eternity. So with time my heart and mind shifted. My anger got replaced by sorrow. I still wanted to reach out to her and tell her I cared. I allways will care and I know Tommy will allways love her. She is a special lady and I know she will find the life she desires.

So here's the reality of it guys, after divorce your first relationship will probably not last. Unless you are a robot you still have a great many wounds to heal. Once they are healed your outlook will be different and you're parameter of what you'll be willing to accept in a partner will be different. My advice to all is to not jump from one ship to another. Take some time alone. I know the dreaded word...alone. If you use your time wisely you can improve on the man you are, the man you want to be. I know Tommy will be OK. His mom and I are the support he needs. He does ask about Jennifer everyday. He sometimes asks why . My response is simple. " I know she isn't here. But close your eyes. She'll allways be here (pointing to his head ) and here(pointing to his heart). " It sounds poetic. Right now it's all I got. Like I said before, the abuse left me rather resilliant. This resilliance has been my safety net of sorts. I'm not quite sure where things go from here. I'm intrigued though. The Texas summer is growing hotter each day.With each day the chemotherapy surges through my body killing the cancer cells and everything along with it. I feel my body weaken at times but my heart and spirit grows. I am a better man, and I will not just survive. I will thrive.

Thankyou

I owe so much of this to ...well.... everyone. So here's a start

• Diane Hardman-My first love. Thankyou so much for talking to me later in life and giving me a little clarity. You have a beautiful family.



• Cathy Rimmer- The first person that ever showed me humility and caring.



• EIS- My Honduran connection. I love you guys so much.



• Jimmy and Tanya-My best friends. I Love you always. Anytime, anyplace, I'm there.



• Michelle and Brandon-My houston family



• Bob and Chere- my surrogate family.



• The Olsons- Patti,Michael,Maureen,Ted,Amo,Cathy,Brent,Gogo. So much love. I've never felt alone.



• Michael ,Susie,Hayden&Shallon- I can't express what yall mean to me.



• Sara- I love you Whitey



• Crestin and Lauren-My little sis and brother. I will always have your back



• Wendy and Lauren Albrecht-My angels. I couldn't hold my son if it wasn't for you.



• Bridge,Annie,And Big Al- My angels. My support group.


• Chela,Norman, and Geoff. Love you so much for always believing in me.



• Adam and Katie- Thankyou. Just Thankyou so much.



• Rob Hill- I miss you so much Rob. I know you're up there taking shots for me.



• Tim, and Leo- I love you guys.



• Lee,Stacey,Shawn,Sabrina,Larry,Kumara,Alex,Alon,Celeste,Amac,Moose,Super Sandra,Marshall,AmyS,Dan,Margaret,Mary, Angela, Pierre,Heather,Kev,-I love yall



• Maria-I am only here because of you. You are a wonderful mother.



• Jennifer-I'll always believe in you no matter where you are. Thankyou.



• Ana- You've helped me renew my faith in humanity and life. Thankyou for helping me feel alive again



• Tommy-All I could ever want is for you to feel happy and secure. Thankyou for being my son. You are the proof that I did something right in this world. Get used to the kisses and hugs, because they are never going to stop.



• Mom and Dad- I forgive you. I love you. Try to find your own peace.

Afterthoughts and words of wisdom

I was told I needed to let people know where my life had turned. In 2010 I was diagnosed with cancer. It was earth shattering for me. In a moment I realized what I loved so much. I realized what I didn't want to lose. I love life. I love Tommy. I love Jennifer. I love Maria. I love everyone that has come in to my life. Each and every one of them has hepled make me who I am. All the scars , all the heartbreak, all the pain has given me so much perspective. Oddly enough it's made me love more. During the process of writing this book Jennifer and I split up. It wasn't pretty, and just like my divorce I started to fall. Unlike my divorce I still feel as though she is part of me. No matter where she is or what she is doing , I feel as though she is with me through every experience. If it wasn't for Jennifer I never would have made it through all the pain. We are disconected but in many ways I feel as though my heart and soul still speaks to her. Physically our time is done, emotionally she's very much a part of me. Also unlike my divorce Tommy is here. Nine years old and growing. He enriches my every day. I am so insanely emotional when it comes to him. He still lets me hug and kiss him which I know won't last. He knows I'm sick and I know it scares him. I try to be brave but sometimes the pain is overwhelming and he catches me crying . I hope when people do get a chance to read this ,my chemotherapy will be done. I hope Tommy will be with me standing on a Hawain beach . Looking at those big waves. Amazingly I've learned so much this past year. I've got a pretty good memory and as no surprise to anyone I tend to write everything down. So here are a few of my favorite "isms"

• "If your marriage is hard work you realize there is no retirement plan right" Mike Miller


• "Some people have a hole in the bottom of their cup. They keep on trying to fill it with something new and it keeps leaking out. What they really need to do is fix their damn cup" Susie Hunter


• "You hold on to your family. God doesn't give everyone families"


• "Stop climbing for a second and look around. Too many people look at the peak and don't enjoy the climb." Ray(cancer survivor)


• "You're not afraid of heights....you're afraid of falling." Master Chief Gibson(USN)


• "I work here. I don't live here"


• "I'd much rather die trying than try to die" Dr. Kocs (oncologist)


• " I can always lose weight, but you'll allways be short(to me)" Damon Schiller


• "Honey this is the pizza you ordered, you knew what was on it when you ordered it" Al Koehler(in a fight with his wife referring to himself)


• "You just got dropped Tom. Your hands were down and you got dropped. Are you going to go home , sulk, and never fight again, or are you going to get up, keep your hands up next time and come back stronger?" My therapist


• "Don't give up Daddy." Never Tommy.Never.

Full Circle : Creating a sucessfull partnership

• I knew when my therapy sessions began there would come a time when I would have to implement all the theories my therapist and I had talked about. I had made so many big mistakes in my marriage, I knew that any future relationship would have to incorporate a great deal of patience , honesty and communication. "Tom you realize that a great deal of your family trauma has led you down a path of miscommunication, and an inability to handle conflict. " I nodded" The first thing you need to do is go home and tell Jennifer who you are. You are a product of a very physically, and emotionally abusive childhood. You can't change that. It's who you are.With that being said , you have these mixed batch of ingredients in your heart, that doesn't mean you in turn have to spit out the same product. You are also a kind, sensitive,caring loving man. You've never hurt your son. You are still so loyal to Maria. You do this with no expectation. It impresses me that you have never walked in here with any hint of anger. What I do sense is sorrow. Because you feel so strongly, you will have a tendency to slip into deep depressions from time to time. You bottle up and hide. It's a defense mechanism. Realize that. And also be very aware that to the person you are with it will seem as though you are selfishly withdrawing." This was a problem within in my relationship with Jennifer. I tended to shut down and close up. I didn't want conflict or confrontation. I never shied away from either in my day to day life but with personal relationships I had a big problem. My tendency with Jennifer was to walk away. This often left her hurt and frustrated. While I divulged a little of my childhood I never really disclosed all of it. Now, I am not suggesting that you open up about all of your deep dark secrets to every person you date . That's a good way to never have a second date. I think we all know when a relationship has entered a period of exclusivity. It's a very hard topic to talk about. You are essentially opening the most vulnerable part of yourself up to the person who you feel can hurt you the most . For me , I never let anyone in. My parents hurt me , and I then in turn lived a a very distant life from Maria. I didn't have tools at the time to handle telling her. Sometimes the most needed thing is therapy. So I bit the bullet and told Jennifer. It was very hard. I cried . Curled up into a fetal position. I had never felt so helpless then when I told her. I told her about the names, the closet, the scare tactics and a million other things that aren't included here. When I opened my eyes for a second I noticed she was crying. I've often said that Jenn and I possess a connection. We both have been products of abuse during our childhood. Mine was directed at me, hers was a product of seeing it. They are both very similar but , as I have learned , have very different responses. My abuse affected our relationship by my inability to communicate with Jenn. My pattern was to shut down during conflict and keep any thing from her that I would anticipate making her upset. While I was taking the right steps by telling Jenn my past, I still had to implement a healthier more productive way to deal with conflict and communication. It's a constant struggle. It really is. I wish I had a better explanation than that. Your body will tell you one thing because you've conditioned yourself for so long. Your mind knows what's right. I still remember a fight that Jennifer and I got in about a year ago. It was about of all things our dog. Our dog tends to be a little hyper when he goes on walks. Barks at other dogs and in general can be a big pain in the butt. Well, it drives Jennifer up a wall. One day she had taken our dog for a walk and apparently he had just gone crazy around another dog and had embarrassed Jennifer so bad. She called me very upset. She demanded dog training and was furious. My response was to downplay the whole thing and say he never acts like that with me. I then proceeded to shut down and get Jennifer off the phone. The anger she had was in turn was directed at me. So what did I do? I shut down. It wasn't until a day later that I apologized and said that what she had to say mattered to me and that I never meant to make light of her feelings. My correct response should have been to listen to everything she said, and first followed it up with "are you OK? Do you need me to come home?" After that I should have followed up with"You're right, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, when I get home tonight lets talk about it and come up with a plan." It seems so simple right? Like I said , my patterned response was to shut down and even though I knew better, it was hard to fight my natural ingrained tendency's. As time has moved on, I have gotten a great deal better, but it takes time. Sometimes a great deal of time. It seems so funny that I went in to therapy , with a very negative attitude about it, now I am one of it's biggest proponents. It's hard to make your relationships work without it, when there is trauma in one of the peoples past. I met a woman not to long ago who had witnessed abuse as a child. On the outside she had a very friendly jovial personality. Every ones best friend. Inside she harbored serious issues regarding her father. I mentioned this person to my therapist once and she said that unless she got counseling she would probably have a hard time ever having a long lasting relationship. Her response to the abuse she witnessed would be to constantly seek authoritative male attention. when she got it, the relationship would last for a while until she starting feeling things were getting serious. After a period of time she would feel confined and feel the need to break out. Her catalyst would be another males attention. This cycle would repeat itself. It's unfortunate, but as I've gotten older it's a little easier to see and recognize the ones that have been hurt. It's like we have this special handshake. We see each other. We identify with each other. I'm not sure why I was abused. I've tried to figure it out. There is no good reason for it. I know who I am now. I am a father. A good decent man. And even though I've made mistakes in the past,I know I'm a better man for it. I have never called myself "god's gift to women" . I have made some glaring mistakes in my past with regards to the opposite sex , but I'm not clueless. So to all you men out there here's my list to you:


• Pay Attention It amazes me how many men pay more attention to themselves then to the women they are with. It's simple. Your woman likes dark chocolate......get her dark chocolate. She changed her hair. Tell her you noticed. Tell her you like her shoes. Remember what she likes to listen to. Her favorite movie. Don't buy her a burger , when she has told you more than once she is vegetarian.


• Compliment something other than her looks It's one of those cruel jokes. They know we are looking at them. Their eyes, legs,hair etc. But they want us to compliment their mind, opinions and aspirations. So again, playing off of the "paying attention" thing, listen to what she says, take an interest, and compliment her on her mind. No, don't say"nice brain". How about "I realy enjoyed listening to you talk about that movie today."


• Listen We as men tend to be .....fixers. Sometimes we just need to listen. Don't try to fix her bad day, just listen to her talk about it. If you appreciate and love your woman, you'll just love the sound of her voice.


• Communicate Just like men, women can't read minds. If it bothers you , tell her. Tell her your hopes , your dreams, and more importantly your fears. It's OK to be scared of the future. That fear will be a great deal more comforting with your partner by your side. The only way she can get there is by bringging her up to speed about whats going on in your heart and mind.


• Find your language and learn how to speak another I wrote about the "love languages" . We all have our own, once you have found out what that is, acknowledge it and in turn learn how to speak a different "love Language". Give gifts and offer words of acknowledgment. As with parenthood, there is no instruction book to being in a sucessfull relationship. If there was, I'd probably have several copies of each. For the most part , we seek individuals who represent our counterparts at childhood. Daughters seek out their fathers and boys their mothers. What I've tried to come across in this book is that if your childhood was abusive , the parameters of what you're looking for in a mate can be greatly affected and can in turn lead to abuse either recieved or given.The "cycle" as it's been called many times can be endless. The trick is to catch it, and change it , so it doesn't dictate your future and that of your family. I read in "O" magazine of all things, that children of abuse usually need to fall off a cliff before they can realize they need to take the stairs. Very poignant and very true. For me, getting divorced and almost losing my son was the year and a half of hell I needed to turn my life around . I've misstepped a few times since than , and it has been Tommy, Jennifer, and Maria that has brought me back. This book is part of that. It is on my list of goals. I hope Tommy reads it one day. Tommy , Jennifer , and Maria have been the most important parts of my life. Without them there is no me. There is no hope. No drive. My future will hopefully see more children, charity, and a great deal of travel. I still want to see the big waves of Teahupoo, dive with Great Whites, and walk the Great Wall of China. I know, not hope, that these will all happen. This is such an amazing world we live in. So much life. So much kindeness. So much love. Hopefully I can give so much of my love , kindness, and life to everyone around me. In spite of my childhood , I know it has left me a better man.

Daddy do's and Daddy don'ts

• As I have said before, sucessful people make lists. These lists can be steps by which they want to live their lives or a set of goals that they want to attain. As I've gotten older I've realized that while my inclination isn't towards making list, it is a habit I need to add to my day to day life. My Daddy do/don't list was a more of a mission statement(thankyou Jerry Mcguire). I wanted to impress several things on Tommy that I had learned from my life. Some of the things took a great amount of pain to learn. One thing I wanted to make certain of was that I didn't create a cycle that Tommy would in turn have to deal with. I sometimes laugh , but if Tommy is in turn writing a book trying to cope with the pain that me and his mom inflicted on him, than I have gone horribly astray. So my list incorporated several meaningfull words , broad strokes if you will, and ways that hopefully he and I would deal with each.


• Love It's the big one right? What is love? Is it just an emotion? Butterflies? Lust? I hate to use this simple explanation, but many years ago(1997) a country song came out by an artist named Clint Black. I've allways love Clint Black. He was short(like me), balding(like me) , and always seemed to have such a good heart. His songs were somewhat whimsical, and told great stories. The minute I heard his song "Something that we do" , I memorized the lyrics and and filed it into my mental rolodex. The song says among other things that love isn't something we find, it isn't something have, it isn't a place we fall, it isn't something we are in. It is something that we do. It is so simple but so true. I think we as people search for that moment when we think we've fallen in love. It's exciting. It's numbing. It would be great if this feeling lasted forever, but must of us realize it doesn't It changes, and not for the bad either. It gets so much better. I remember the first time I saw Jennifer dressed up. I was floored. Stunning. As the years have passed I've seen her sick, upset, messy hair, and with morning breathe and acne. You know what's amazing, it doesn't change the way I feel in the least. Do I still get butterflies? Nope. Not at all. I don't need to anymore. What we have is much better. I'm not sure exactly how to describe that but I'll try. On one of my recent trips to the oncology infusion center I saw a much older man sitting next to his wife. She was trying to sleep while she recieved her 4th round of chemotherapy. I asked him about their story. She was a 3 time cancer survivor.He was a 2 time cancer survivor. This was an old routine for them. They had been married nearly 30 years. As she tried to rest I watched as he looked at her. Tears streaming down his cheek, I realized that this is love. He remarked that anyone can be happy during the good times, it's if you can be happy during the bad times. "I'm just honored to be here with her" he said.And there you have it. I was stunned. Completely. To be honored to be next to someone it what is their hardest time. Not a hint of hesitation. This is love. It is something that we do. I hope Tommy can feel the love I feel for him. I hope Maria can in turn understand that even after all the smoke has cleared I have a deep love for her, I hope Jennifer knows that the love I feel for her is that of a much more mature man falling in love for the first time as an adult, I hope my parents know that even though I have so much pain associated with them I still love them. I want Tommy to approach every day with so much love in his heart. I think we get clouded with greed, envy, hate and desire and we forget about love. I know it seems a little idealistic. In my darkest hours I've often wondered how to approach what I'm feeling with love. I know I'll have moments of anger, frustration, pain and depression but I want to learn to concentrate more on the positive. You may have hurt me, but I love you. You have done a horrible thing , but I love you. You've disappointed me, but I love you. I think sometimes we save the "I love yous" for our spouses or family, But we all deserve love. I want to love people unconditionally. I will love people unconditionally. I grew up feeling that there were conditions put on love. I will not raise Tommy with that. Love everyone Tommy. Not just on your good days. Love them even more on your bad days.


• Forgiveness Well, I've got no songs to relate this to , other than to say that if you are sorry for something you've done than say it. But, even more than saying it, live it. If a man cheats on his wife and apologizes and than does it again, was he ever truly sorry? So many abusive relationships have these 2 words in common. I hit you. I'm sorry. But than I do it again. Passed all the words , show the person you hurt that you won't redo your previous behavior. Sometimes all the sorries in the world won't fix a bad mistake. Sometimes you need to say you're sorry and move on. Don't make the same mistake again. Even though I believe that Tommy is a very well adjusted young boy, I carry this overwheming feeling of guilt for getting divorced. I probably always will on some level. My biggest fear moving forward is that I will redo this mistake. I sometimes think I will just stay forever single so I don't drag him through all this turmoil again. I think what I've realized is that I haven't forgiven myself. I place this guilt on my own shoulders. I carry it like some morbid scarlet letter. I'm not sure if it will just take time or if there will be some earth shattering event that will help me let go of the guilt. Maybe I'll always have it and somehow it will make me live better life. Or maybe what I realy need to do is apologize to my son. The words won't seem like much to him at this age , but my actions and behavior will hopefully show him how I feel. I've seen so many single dads out there who have so much guilt in there heart. The guilt for the most part manifest it'self as anger . It's OK to feel guilty. Don't let it consume your heart. Try replacing the guilt with love. It's a much more gratifying emotion.


• Reliability and consistancy When I first started my divorce proceedings both my ex and I had to attend a "how to parent through divorce" workshop. If there was anything I took away from the hours spent there, it was the words reliability and consistancy. Kids need to know that you are reliable and consistant. If you say I'll pick you up at 8. Be there at 8. I've heard the horror stories of children who have waited for hours and no one showed up. I can't imagine the what tht does to a childs heart. I was late to pick Tommy up from school about a year ago. It was raining and there were accidents on the road. Even though I was only about 20 min late, I felt horrible arriving at his school. I think I was more traumatized than he was. I want him to know that no matter what life throws at him that I will be right here. Consistancy goes right along side the reliability. Growing up I never felt anything was consistant. One day I was loved, the next day I was shunned. One day I was told I was smart , the next I was told I was stupid. One day a mistake was no big deal, the next I got thrown across a room. I was never left feeling very secure. I lacked any kind of consistancy in my life. As parents I feel this may be one of the most important things to do. If you say "no" than the answer is no. Not yes after some serious puppy dog eyes. I think we give in as parents because we don't want our kids to hate us. Or maybe we are afraid they'll love mom more. I have been guilty of this in the past. I think we all have. Regardless, we have to try and stay consistant. It's the consistancy of our actions and love that will in turn makes us reliable as parents. Once we stop being consistant , our reliability goes out the door.


• Being responsible I've said this before, I often make my decisions as if Tommy was standing right behind me. He's like a little angel on my shoulder in many respects. As I've gotten older I've realized that as an adult single dad, I have to be responsible. I had a coworker one time describe me as "very immature but you act responsible" . I wasn't to sure what this meant by I do get it now. I don't drink and drive, I don't smoke, I don't do daredevil acts(anymore), but I do act a little juvenile at times. I make silly jokes, I jump off the couch, I sing loud in the car, and the ammount of faces and funny voices I do are limitless.That all said, I still try to be very responsible. It sometimes means that I live a "boring" life. But in the long run it's a much more rewarding life.


• Dating I'm not so sure I've figured this one out. One thing I've allways maintained is that "single dads don't date". We don't have the luxury of bouncing around from relationship to relationship. It's not healthy for us as men and it sets a horrible example. I've often heard that most women look at a guy and figure if they can invision themselves having sex with them. As a single father, I tend to look at a woman with a "do I want this woman to mother my child?" question in my head. You never real know at first sight. There are a few rules that I think all us dads should be up front with though. First off ...tell the woman you have a child. It amazes me how many men leave this one out. If the knowledge that you have a child is too much for her upfriont than walk away. It's realy not going to gte any better than that. Second don't introduce your child right away. This is a big mistake that I see men and women make all too often. Wait. Let them see how they fit in to the life of a single parent before introducing them in to your childs. Remember , it's all about consistancy . Having a new woman pop into a childs life every couple of months is not so consistant. I knew a woman who was approximately my age and we both actually went through divorces at the same time. We both had boys. Our parenting styles with reltion to dating were very different. My friend bounced in and out of relationships. She chose men that were married(or not quite divorced... side note:very bad idea), and had issues with their exes. She also introduced these men right away to her young son. When she would date, her son was put in the care of his grandmother while she traveled or went out. It always seemed to me as though her son got pushed aside when a potential suitor was around. I once asked her why she didn't make plans on the weeks she didn't have her son. Her response was that she didn't want her date to be burdoened. I was shocked. These men were brought into her sons life and then ripped away when the realtionship didn't work out. It just seemed very inconsistant and very unreliable. I 've never wanted that for Tommy. I wanted him to know that he was my #1 priority. I wanted him to feel secure about whomever I was with. There is a catch though , with all this good intention. While you are doing all of this, you have to make sure that your partner feels secure. They can't feel as though they are #2. That will never work. So how can you pull it off? The dreaded "c" word. Communication. Make sure that you talk constantly about everything that is going on. Tell your new partner that you appreciate them and what they bring to your family. It can't be the two of you and than another person. It has to be all three of you working together as a family if it is ever going to work. Since this book is very much about what I've learned over time, this is deffinitely one of my shortcomings. Hopefully it is a mistake that I won't repeat in the future.


• Failure While I don't believe you ever want to plan to fail, I do understand that not everyone wins. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and prepare, you just don't win , finish first, or get what you want. I know it sounds cliche, but you gain absolustely nothing from not trying. And even in the presence of failure, you are still so far ahead of those sitting on the sidelines critiqueing your effort. What's hurtful is when your biggest critics are the ones who are supposed to be lifting you up. I can honestly say with an ounce of doubt that I will never criticize Tommy. I'm sure he will fail from time to time. Hopefully not as much as his dad. But sometimes in those failures we gain the most. We learn the most from failed relationships, lost games, and even bad grades. For the longest time failure for me meant ridicule and abandonment. It doesn't anymore. Somehow I've turned a corner. I hoping that with my self discovery and therapy it's a corner Tommy won't ever have to turn.

Voices : The power of communication

As I said before my list sat around for a while. It was hard for me to apply to any one thing tangible. I had so many things that I wanted to do , but I lacked the drive or know how to pull the trigger and do one of them. As you've probably figured out, I have an affinity for movies and music. I still cry during "Steel Magnolias", and "Hard for me to say I'm sorry" still makes my heart flutter. One day not long ago was driving listening to an easy listening channel on the radio and a song called"One voice" came on. It was sung by a young boy and it was about having a voice that needed to be heard in the world. Later that night I watched a movie called "Allways". "Allways " was about a man who dies heroically and as a ghost has to help the love of his life get over him by inspiring her new flame. It's sappy . Both of these hit home on the same day. It made me realize how much we as people don't say in our lives and in many cases we wait until it's too late. I didn't want that to be the case for me anymore. About 3 years ago , not long after I made my list, I had a revalation"I'm never going to get passed my marriage if I don't speak to Maria." So I called her and asked if I could talk to her. I felt so horrible leading up to our talk. I knew it wouldn't be anywhere near as smooth in real life as it played out in my mind. It was a talk long in the making. I stammered and realy couldn't look Maria in the eye. I knew that our wounds were still pretty deep and was also sure that watching me fall in love with another woman had been hard on her. She stood there poised and ready to strike. I knew she would, but this wasn't about her. "Maria, I'm very sorry. I was a horrible husband. I didn't nurture our relationship. I feel horrible everyday. I pace every night , because I feel like I've let you and Tommy down. I'm trying so hard to be a good man, and I just feel like I'm failing.I don't know what to do. I want to live a better life. " I stood there waiting and Maria just looked at me. She rolled her eyes and said "Is that it?" I nodded and she said goodbye. Not quite the way I had hoped , but the way I figured. I knew I had spent a lifetime of letting Maria down, so this act of sencerity was probably a little late. Regardless of how she took it, I knew that I had to say it. As I said before, "Sorry" is one of those things that requires a leap of faith. You just don't know if it is going to be accepted. At this time it wasn't. Later that week when I went to see my therapist I brought her my list. She looked it over , and then asked me what else was on my mind. I told her about my talk with Maria and how I felt I needed to apologize. I explained that I needed to get rid of my gulit before I could move on to a productive relationship with Jennifer. As allways my therapist took my actions and ideas ina whole different direction. "Tom, I need to ask you something and I realy want you to think about it before you answer. I know you want a family so much. I know you have so much pain in your childhood. I see it everytime you talk about Tommy. One of the things that broke up your marriage was your inability to communicate. You couldn't talk to Maria when it realy mattered. You hid . You ran away. You reverted to the scared little boy that was frightened of the dark. When it mattered most you lost your voice. Of all the things you need to change in your life , this is the most important. Your son will disappoint you one day. He'll break your heart.And you'll need to be able to communicate with him. One day you'll remarry. And she'll disappoint you to . She'll break your heart. And you'll need to be able to communicate. If I have any fear it's that in all of this turmoil you'll forget your voice." I knew what she was saying. When faced with turmoil I shut down. The voices go around in circles in my head but nothing ever comes out of my mouth. By the time I speak up the damage is usually done. We talked for an hour about what I needed to work on. I knew I had come up with a good over all life plan, but what I realy needed now was a good "daddy plan" and a good"husband plan". It was almost like a 12 step program. I had spent the last 3 and a half years getting acquainted with my past. feeling comfortable with it. Now I needed to work on my future. Not from a career standpoint, but from a life standpoint. I needed a set of guidlines that would hopefully help me be a better man. I felt that as the time had passed I had turned a corner in my own life. I was more secure. The nightmare had stopped. I was much more secure. At the same time I needed to be able to voice my insecurities, hopes , and fears as they arose. With my plan intact I set up a mental checklist of ideals that I would live and raise my family by.

The List

• So I'd like to say that I went home made the list as well as the way in which I would accomplish everything and then got it all done. I'd like to say that......but that's not quite how it happened. I did go home after my appointment and make the list. It was very extensive. I took my time and came up with a path by which each goal would be accomplished. So what happened? Well..life happened. The list inadvertenly got pushed aside. Other things took the place of my achievement until now. So about 3 days ago I pulled the list out . It had been a while since I seriously looked at it and read everything I had written. I had such a different idea of what I wanted. Now things are different. So what is it exactly that keeps us from accomplishment? Is it fear? Yes. But what else is it that holds us back? So for the past few days I've try to figure that out myself. So here is my truth


• : Identify where you honestly are in the world. This may seem like a no brainer but you'd be surprised how many men are in complete denial about where they are. I recently had a good friend of mine pass away and up until his last week a live he was in complete denial about where he was. He made excuses. I didn't get this. I was never chosen for that. The truth is for so long he existed outside of the game. I had a baseball coach when I was 10 once tell me that "God doesn't hit fastballs, people hit fastballs. He'll protect you on you're way to the park, but you actually have to swing if you want to hit a fastball." At the time I thought this advice bordered on the ludicrous. As I've gotten older, I've realized what he was saying was"get in the game!" Don't talk about being happy when in all reality you're not. From an adult males perspective it's simple. Are you honestly happy? Are all of your actions, hopes, and dreams out on the table? Are you happy with your wife? Then don't step out on her. Are you happy with your job? Then why are you constantly complaining? For most of us, there is a level of accomplishment that we just haven't reached yet. We have an idea in our minds of what that is , but for some reason we are not striving for it.For many it's because we can't be honest and acknowledge where we are at. If within your marriage you feel unappreciated and disconnected, do something about it. Don't walk around as if nothing is wrong. Walk up to your wife and say"I feel like we aren't connecting anymore. I'm tired of walking around like nothings wrong. We deserve better. Let's talk about it." At work go up to your boss and say"I realy want to have more responsibility here. I feel like I can do a great deal more for this company if you would just give me a chance." Most bosses will be ecstatic to hear this. The ones that aren't and offer you opportunity have just given you the greenlight to look elsewhere. Because life is too short. My clients have heard me say a million times"do what you love and you will never work." It is so true. Most of us have inate sense of what we are meant to be doing. It's usually an interest that we have never been fully honest or forthcoming about. For me it was writing. I always wrote in journals. I saw movies and imagined a better ending. I wrote love stories in my head. I never realy told anyone about these pipedreams of mine. I never did until, I met someone I was comfortable enough with to tell. Someone I trusted. Someone who I felt would believe in me. Once I did I felt so much more comfortable. Not just with what I wanted to do , but also with being honest about where I was. I didn't want to do my job forever. I love it. I'm good at it. But I want to take a chance and see if another one of my talents pans out. One of my clients is a sucessful attorney. He makes enough to put his childrens children through school and in his spare time he writes for a cooking magazine. He still works a job that supports his family, but rather than constantly harbor a passion that he never indulges he has made it a point to work an extra 10 hours a week writing . And you know what , he's pretty happy.


• Identify what's truly holding you back This is where it can get tricky. Most of us don't want to look in the mirror. There is no way it can be me right. It must be her, it must be him, it must be the kids, it must be the job. We play this revoloving blame game and make decisions based on our reluctance to look solely at ourselves. Why do we do this? I can only speak from experience. I was afraid of failure. To me failure meant constant ridicule. But I'm 37 now. Do I realy need to occupy my mind with fear that someone is going to make fun of me. That some one will criticize me. The only person who's approval I should be seeking is that of my child and my spouse and myself. Many of us have fear of failure. It's Ok to be scared . Just be honest about it. I 've watched several men and women walk away from their marriages because they felt , that their spouse was the one that was holding them back. Now in some cases this is true. If your spouse doesn't encourage your own growth than maybe the two of you need to have a talk. A real talk. Most of the time we are unhappy about our lives not because of the person we are invloved with, it's usually an emotional chain that is tethering us in place. To realize this, you really need some extensive self introspection. I teach brazillain Jui Jitsu to many people and I often tell them "what position do you want to be in? So what's holding you down? " When I get the standard "he or she is holding my leg/arm, back etc." I respond with"Nope. That's not it. He's not holding you down. It's your inability reposition that's holding you down." SO rather than quit on your marriage or your job, identify what's keeping you in place. Now if it is fear, ask your self why this fear is so prevalent in your life. Again from my own personal experience it was deep seated in my childhood. As I've gotten older I've realized that I don't want this fear to hold me back and limit me. I also want my son to see me live without fear. I want him to realize the old addage that you can accomplish anything if you just put your mind to it. It seems so simple.




• Identify where you want to be This one is actually pretty simple. I said it before, most of us have an ability or talent that we are partial to. It could be writing, cooking, music, fashion design, archetecture, gardening etc. It often gets pushed aside for a career. There's nothing wrong with picking a career first. For the most part college is very structured. You go to prelaw, law school and then you become an attorney. You go pre med , med school, and then you become a doctor. It would be nice if there was a degree for "Finding your passion" . As it stands now I don't believe there is. So if we are lucky we can identify this passion and than hopefully work on it later in life. I knew a Dentist that was a closet mechanic. He was very sucessful. He wasn't about to drop his practice to become a mechanic , but he used a portion of his earnings to buy classic cars in need of work and than fix thme up. I often saw him covered in grease and he just seemed so happy. It's amazing how that works.


• Create a plan of attack Every great victory requires a great plan. A strategy if you will. I used to love to go to Jennifers job and look at her desk. She had lists made and outlines of how she planned on accomplishing the things on her list. When she finished a task on the list , she one lined it. This was a person who had a gameplan for her day. I loved it. My life was a jumble of great ideas with no plan of attack. No list. Until now. Now this plan can start very simply and than get more intricate as you get closer. So let's hypothetically say that by day you manage a restaurant , but you find yourself watching "Next top designer" in your spare time. Now obviously I'm not suggesting that you give your 2 weeks notice and try to become the next CoCoc Chanel, but how about finding a class on fashion merchandizing, doing some sketches in your spare time and develop a portfolio. There's no law that says you have to show it to anyone right away. Do it for yourself first and foremost. I think we put a price tag on our happiness and than before you know it we forgot why we chose this as a passion to begin with.This doesn't mean that we can't turn our passion into a sucessful business, but there is something I've picked up over the years. Don't equate wealth with sucess.


• Follow through This has always been my biggest curse. I start a project and than I have no follow through. It exist in my head as a great idea, I may even make a plan, but than I fail in following through. Make a comitment. I saw an interview with Mark Cuban on 60 minutes about 10 years ago. The late Ed Bradley was interviewing him and he asked him what made him different from everyone else out there with a plan. Cuban had a great response, he said he was a man of average intelligence but what he did that many others didn't was make it a point to learn one new thing a week, and comit to following through on anything he said. It's the old addage. Talk is cheap. It realy is. Cuban said that so many people have great ideas but never take the steps to at the very least give it a try. I've lacked follow through for many years . The key is to realize and acknowledge that you have a lack of follow through. So if you do have a lack of follow through try and determine why. What's holding you back? Is it ......fear. Ahhh that ugly word. As I've said before, we all have fear on some level. It's a matter of discovering where that fear has come from. Once you know that it's a great deal easier to get past. Now once you've done all of this start involving people. No I'm not talking about getting investors. Behind every great plan is a great support group. We as humans need support. Don't be afraid to use that dreaded four letter word.....help. For me asking for help was hard. So back to the whole list thing. I've found with every year, we tend to find something new to put on our "to do" list. However, unless your an avid climber , it may not be practical to put "Everest" on your list. My list was a little impractical but at the same time attainable.

1. Write a book


2. Develop a workout video


3. Buy a house


4. Dive with Great White sharks


5. Travel to Italy, Japan,Spain, and China


6. Have another child


7. Retire by the time I'm 40

So, as time has passed many of these things are either completed or in the process of being completed. Much of this is a result of ...you guessed it, making lists. What I've found is that in our darkest and sometimes most challenging times we as humans have the ability to rise to the occasion and somehow not just survive. Some of us thrive.

Maybe it is heartbreak and challenge that somehow make me fight to thrive. When I moved out my parents house at the age of 18, I made a very conscious decision to never listen to the ridicule again. My parents weren't informed of my decision so we often butted heads. When they testified against me, and essentialy tried to have Tommy taken away, I fought back. I could have quit. I could have laid down and died , but I didn't. Believe me, there were times when I wanted to quit, but all those years of abuse left me very resiliant. Ironically they created an adult who wouldn't break. For some reason I respond very well to adversity. As I alluded to before I thrive and find purpose in the midst of chaos and the "storm". Where I stumble is serenity. I become ...well for lack of a better word..lazy when I don't have a struggle. That needed to change. I needed to find drive and purpose during those non chaotic times and I needed to make sure I didn't create chaos to help give me purpose. At the same time I needed to enjoy peace. Enjoy the view.

Living in denial

"What's happened Tom?" my therapist asked. When I walked in she later told me she feared I looked manic. I hadn't gotten much sleep in the past 2 days. I didn't know what was going on in my mind. "I asked her dad for her hand in marriage. He accepted. We moved. It just hit me. I don't want to this again. I can't go through this again. I don't want Tommy to get hurt. I can't handle the pain. " I was so sick to my stomach. Sitting there with my therapist she started to pull back the layers. "Wow. OK. So you asked her father for her hand in marriage. Why? You had mentioned before that you were going to give it some more time. What changed?" "I don't know. I was sitting there thinking about it and all I could to was recite vows in my head. I went to Krogers with her dad and it just came to me. We had just gotten to Denton. Said hi to her family. It seemed right. I don't know." "Ok . Well Tom may I offer an analogy? It's Thanksgiving. You're sad. You don't have any family around you. Tommy is with his mom. You feel alone. You feel alone. You feel alone. So you did something that would in your mind keep you from feeling alone in the future. I'm not in any way saying that you won't end up with Jennifer. You may. But realize what your motivation is. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Or are you more concerend with not being alone?"The words stung. I knew what she was saying. The truth was that Jennifers family gave me a great sense of comfort. I loved them. They obviously loved eachother so much. I can recount so many great memories with Jennifers family. They played games together. They went out to eat together. And no matter what anybody was doing, they were supportive. They weren't perfect. No family is perfect. But they were a family. You could tell they would rally around eachother in a time of need. I often had encouraged Jenn to spend more time around her family. In the beginning I felt she was to preoccupied with going out and try to catch up with every person in town. Most nights were spent drinking and the next day was spent recovering. As our time had together had progressed I encouraged her to engage in more family time. We always seemed to have more fun doing that. As I explained to my therapist this dynamic she made another observation . "I know how much you long for a family Tom. You don't have one. It's like someone that has been starving for years and they are suddenly given food. They cherish every bite. They don't understand someone who in their eyes wastes food. However, if starving has never been a concern for you, it's hard to see there ever being a shortage of food. You get what I'm saying?" It all made sense. It realy did. " I don't have all the answers Tom. And I don't have a crystal ball, but are you sure you aren't trying to marry her family. I know you love her. I've seen men talk about women and I know the only thing they see is physical. You are not that guy. You love her. Everything that she is. In the 2 years you've been together, I've never heard you say anything bad about her. You never complain about her. You love who she is. I think that is amazing. If you do get married I know you'll be marrying your best friend. But ... and here is my concern....it's all about denial. Don't deny the fact that what you want most is a family. It's OK. But it is not the only reason to get married." " So what do I do?" "Nothing. Her family obviously feels as though you are a worthy addition to the family. A father doesn't take a proposal lightly. Who says you have to get engeged right now. Just give it time Tom. You're still hurting. Don't deny that. The wounds are still there. Don't run out and get a quick bandaid to fix it. Let your wounds heal, and then move forward. Ok? " I nodded.It felt a little better. "So you moved. You felt the pain right away didn't you? It's natural. What else is bothering you?" "I don't know. I just feel depressed. I don't know why. I was moving out and I feel like I've just made a mess of my life. I feel like I've made a mess of Tommy's life. I'm trying so hard to be a better man. Life is all about taking chances and living. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel like my feet are just stuck in the ground?" I had been feeling like this for some time. I realy wanted to move forward but I felt like some imaginary force was holding me back. I couldn't really explain it. "Ok. So here's what I want you to do. Make me a list of everything that you want to accomplish. I need 10 things. Take this serious Tom. The most sucessful men make lists. Life isn't going to wait for you. If you spend your time afraid of failure you'll never get anything done. So I want you to list everything that you want to do and than write how you plan on doing all of these things. Ok. Don't get engaged in the next 2 weeks. Just get this done. " I walked out of my appointment with clarity. A great sense of clarity. I t was almost as though the depression never had existed. I needed a game plan. Not just for me. For life. With everything that was going on around me I had forgotten to work on me. I was too busy worrying about everyone else . The truth was that if I didn't find a purpose I wouldn't be good for anyone. Not Jenn and not even Tommy. So I went home and.....got my shit together. For a little while at least.

The Dark Side of the Moon

Realizing that it's time to move on is sometimes the hardest part. It comes in stages and can hit you hard in the beginning , but the long lasting aftereffects sometimes never go away. I was devastated when Maria and I got divorced. I cried for days. I didn't want to move. I was so sad. On some level I'm still very sad about it. I took a vow "till death do us part" seriously. I knew Maria and I would always be connected through Tommy, but I missed knowing that I could talk to her. There more attached I grew to Jennifer, the less heartache I felt over my divorce. I wasn't quite sure how to reconcile all this with Tommy. I didn't know if he remebered me loving his mom. You know that feeling when you see mom and dad together? You feel kind of strange, I mean it's mom and dad, but you feel comfort in knowing that your parents love eachother. I wish he had seen us when we were younger. I kept many of our highschool and early pictures so he could see that his mom and dad loved eachother. He came into this world surrounded by so much love. The love is still there , just in two seperate houses. When I fell in love with Jennifer I told him how much she meant to me. How she made me laugh. I told him that one day he'll be lucky if he feels the way I felt. I've never spoken of our conversation about this. It was awkward at first. I told him that you know how walking into a dark room is scary. But, if mommy or daddy is there to hold your hand, you'll bury your head in our stomachs and walk through with us. You're still scared , but you know you're protected. I told him that was how true love was. You know life is scary, but when you walk through with someone you love , you hold eachothers hand and find a way to get through. It's a leap of faith. You put all your trust when you jump off the sidewalk that dad will catch you. When I woke up each day I felt like I knew Jennifer would catch me. I hoped that she in turn felt that same way. I knew wahat I wanted in life. I knew what was important. It's a little more clear when you've lost everything . What I wanted Tommy to understand was that allthough mommy and I weren't together, Jennifer and I being together wasn't in anyway a denial of the past, it was merely daddy finding a love that was long lasting for the future. I explained that all the fights that mommy and daddy had been through helped daddy find so many things in Jennifer. To be quite honest , I don't think I would have appreciated some one like Jennifer 10 years ago. I needed the pain, the turmoil, and heartache to truly appreciate what love with a true life partner would be like. Tommy sat in silence for a while and then said the most amazing thing. "So who helped Jennifer realize she loved you?" Wow. Unbelievable. It's one of those things that kids just say. Very honest. Very smart. Very true. I kind of sidestepped the question but later that night I couldn't sleep. I sat on the couch in such disarray. I had loved Maria so much , but had grown from where we were. Therapy helped so much. I was able to talk it out. I was able to think about my own personal issues and try to resolve them. It wasn't easy. It left me emotionaly drained half the time. But when all was said and done, I knew I was a better man for it. Not just a better man for Tommy, or the world, but a better man for myself. I was believing in myself. I was loving myself. I knew that the scars I had from my childhood would always be there, but I talked about them. I felt secure enough to tell Jennifer about those painfull things. For the first time I had opened up. It's so awkward as a man to sit across from the woman you love and tell her that you are scared. Men don't do it. We bottle it up. Jennifer gave me the security and comfort to do that. The real concern for me suddenly was that Jennifer hadn't gotten comfortable with her scars. I couldn't make her do it. It had to be a choice. I knew that choice would only come when she was ready. My concern was that she wasn't ready to move on from her past. She was still holding on. It's so much easier said than done. You hear it all the time"move one","get over it","get past this". the reality is that is so hard to move on from a past that has left you hurt and bewildered. Until you do, you'll constantly be searching for an answer. That answer can be disguised as addiction, bad habits, bad realtionships, and depression. None of these will make much a difference. They will only add to the confusion. My heart ached for Jennifer. I wanted her to be able to take a deep breath and get past all of her pain. Many times my pain for Jenn would manifest it self as frustration I knew our relationship would only get better if she sought out help. It's a hard thing to do. I was left wondering if the plan to get engaged was truly a good idea. On one hand, we had an amazing love. Trust, friendship, support, honor, and honesty. On the other hand I was still nursing my own wounds as was she. One day it all came to a head for me. We were moving out of our 2 bedroom 2 bath appartment into a 3 bedroom 2 bath in the same complex. The movers had brought everything out and for the most part we just doing the final clean up. This appartment was the first place I had moved when Maria and I got separated. I looked around at my empty bedroom and brokedown. This was only supposed to be temporary. All of the sudden I felt lost again. I had let Tommy down. I had let God down. I was so empty. I couldn't get the feeling of depression and darkness out of my head. It was so fast. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. On one hand I was over the moon for Jennifer. I should be happy. I should be content. But on this day the feeling of darkness, of isolation was overwhelming. I could feel my mind slip into a dark hole that I hadn't been in since the divorce. I had no words. I went to our new place and started to help unpack. The feeling didn't go away. It grew. As each day passed by I felt my body shut down. I had fallen in to a deep dark depression. I showed up to my next therapy session a shell of the man that was there just 2 weeks prior. I needed help.

The Language of Love

The movie "Love Actually" is one of my favorites. Yes, part of it is the romantic side of me, the other is that ....love truly is all around us. I never thought of myself as kid person, but I knew the day Tommy was born how much I could love. It really is earth shattering. The first time I held my son in my arms I lost it. He opened his little eyes and looked at me. All of the sudden it made sense. My life made sense. Nearly 4 years later , after a bitter divorce and custody battle, I held him so close. I didn't want to let go. Not even for a second. I still watch him sleep and cry my eyes out. In this crazy world , where I have felt so much pain , this little boy exists. He moves my spirit. He touches every nerve in my body. I feel sometimes , that I exist solely to protect him. It's hard to put into words. When Maria and I were going through the divorce and then the custody battle, I would have horrible nightmares. I would hear Tommy calling for me. I woke up in a panic. I couldn't sleep. I was so scared. To this day I still get those nightmares. There have been many a night that Jenn would go to sleep and I would stay up because I was afraid to go to sleep. I didn't want to dream. I didn't want to wake up in a panic. I would fall asleep on the couch by pure exhaustion. I don't know why I get these vivid dreams. It just happens. Each night when I would wake up I would get out of bed and pace. I would write little notes to Tommy in my journal about how much I loved him. I still do. I've never wanted or loved something so much as my son. As the years have gone by I've tried to give more of that love to others. I think we don't say it because it sounds strange coming out of our mouths for people other than spouses and family. The truth is, to love someone feels so good. So warm. I make it a point to tell the people close to me how much I love them and how much they mean to me. It's important. I often wonder if I was given so much love in my heart because I wasn't shown a great deal growing up. About 8 years ago I got a book called "The 5 Love Languages". I never read it. While I was going through the custody battle I did.Better late than never I guess. The book outlines 5 love languages

1. Words of affirmation


2. Quality time


3. Receiving gifts


4. Acts of service


5. Physical Touch

I wrote them down and held on to it. The book essentially says we as people identify with one of these and have a tendency toward one as well. For myself I realized what I had always wanted or should I say needed in a relationship was words of affirmation. I needed to know I was a good man. A good father. I had spent my youth being ridiculed and called names. This in many ways had broken my soul. I realized that while Maria was a wonderful woman in so many respects, her language of love was not words of affirmation. Her language was acts of service. Food was always ready when I got home. Laundry was done. I don't think I was successful at any of these. I just wasn't. I don't know why. I knew I loved her , but I didn't show it the way I did to Tommy. Tommy got all 5 languages from me. He still does. Whether he realizes it or not when he holds me and says "your the best daddy" my heart sores. It is everything I could ever need.

After reading the book I started feeling very guilty. I hadn't really shown Maria Any of these things. I had essentially sabotaged my marriage because I didn't know how to love. I just existed with the marriage. I often wondered what would have happened had I read this book before Tommy was born. One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't going to make that mistake again. Jenn would know each day how much she was loved . So I made a mental note to myself to express each language to Jenn daily. I would always tell her I loved her and how amazing she was. I would try to spend quality time with her. I definitely showered her with gifts.I cooked, washed her car, and did the laundry. And I always made sure to hold her hand , give her massages, and kiss her around every corner.

The amazing thing about speaking all these languages is that it really makes you feel good. One thing I found out along the way was that it doesn't just have to be to your spouse or kids. Tell a friend of yours how much they mean to you. Pay the bill at lunch for someone .Open a door. Offer a helping hand. No matter how brief the time is with someone make it quality. Look at them in the eyes and listen to what they say. Pay attention. Shake hands and don't be afraid to give someone a real hug. It will definitely make any ones day , but I'll tell you something , it will make your day a lot brighter as well.

It was a after our divorce that I realized I needed in some way to make an effort to reach out to Maria. I didn't need any language from her, not that I would get it, but I wanted her to feel loved. So I made sure that Tommy always told his mom she was pretty. He gave her things. He gave hugs. I made sure he called at least 3 times a day to tell his mommy how much he loved her. It was important to me that he did that. My therapist had a entirely different perspective that was just as enlightening.

"I think that is amazing what you are doing Tom. You are showing your son that you acknowledge his mother. I wish more ex husbands would do that. Most don't even acknowledge their existence. They sit in different areas at school functions, wont even make eye contact. Whether you realize it or not , your are creating a very caring little boy at home. " It really made me feel good to know that after all of the pain Tommy and myself were coming out on the other side.

The fear of failure

When I was a child I was constantly fearful of failing. I hated the idea of letting my parents down. In retrospect I feared the emotional punishment I would recieve when I did fail. I somehow assimilated failing with being inadequate. The truth is sometimes you fail. Sometimes someone or something is just better than you. There is nothing wrong with that. It's just reality. For there to be a winner, there also must be a loser. I had won at some things and had failed at others. My fear was the ridicule. when I first called my parents to tell them that maria and I had decided to divorce I was told I was a failure as man. This was about a week after fathers day . I still had the Fathers day cards saying I was a wonderful man and wonderful father. It was confusing and hurtful to watch them testify against me in court. I didn't get it. I still don't.
What i realized was that as time had progressed , my fear of failure had grown. I was constantly second guessing myself. I would change my mind several times. I just didn't want to make the wrong decisions about anything. This of course was a far cry from the man that made snap decisions about everything. When I was young I would make and change plans on a whim. Maria was just along for the ride. Now was different. I needed constant reasurement that was making the right decision. On a daily basis I would text or call Jenn to ask her if she thought something was a good idea. I often acted like I didn't need her help, but nothing could have been farther from the truth. The reality was that I was constantly seeking her approval about just about everything in my life. When I disappointed her I was devastated. That devastation manifested itself in sarcasm. I acted like I didn't care. Like it was no big deal. The reality was that if and when I disappointed Jenn I felt sick to my stomach. One night Jenn got mad at me for not making reservations when I said I would and I walked out of the apt mad. If she would have look outside she would have seen me on the steps crying because I had let her down. I hated it. Everytime we argued I tended to leave to get distance. That distance was so she wouldn't see how her disappointment for me broke my heart. The more we argued the more I felt less like a man. The less I felt like a man, the more I tried to make it up to her. Ironically Jenn has an amazing shoe collection due to my feelings that I didn't deserve someone so amazing. I can actually look at each pair and remember what was going through my head when I bought them. The reality of our arguments is that sometimes couples just disagree. It happens. Often. For me I got flashbacks of being told I was stupid, the divorce, being called dumb, hearing I hate you. It was all this constant fear I had that I would or already had failed. Jenn never called me a failure or loser or a fuckup the way my parents did. She just said "why did you do this?" That to me was failure. I had let her down. And if I let her down I was letting Tommy down because he loved her.
In retrospect I realize on of the things I need to work on is being more open with my emotions. Now don't get me wrong ,I'm an openly emotional guy, but it's with outward emotions. A sad movie and I cry. Sometimes when Jennifer walks in a room it takes my breath away and I cry. My son whew.. I cry. I'm sappy. Or as Jenn likes to say cheesey. The problem I have is with the inner most emotions like fear and depression. Those I tend to hide. It wouldn't be that big of deal if they weren't so prevalent in my mind . But, having come from abuse those emotions tend to occupy much of my heart and mind. So what do you do? Open up? Be honest? Risk the possibility of scaring the hell out of the one you're with? Well, the answer is....drum roll.....yes. Of course you do. If someone loves you they love all of you not just the good stuff. the good and the bad. he happy and the sad. All the fears. Just let it go.
Home with Tommy, I started to wonder what it was I feared. I was fearful of making a mistake with Jenn. If we got married would she take care of Tommy if something happened to me? If we got married and had a child would she love Tommy as her own? If for some reason we didnt work out , would she just drop him like he was nothing? And there it was. I didn't want Tommy to grow up like me. Unloved, unwanted,discarded and made to feel less. The fear had come full circle.

unchartered

I think when most people get married they feel that this is it. There will be only one. When I got married I married my high school sweet heart. The first person I had ever slept with. . The first girl I had ever cried in front of. Maria was my soul mate at that time, and very much the love of my life until Tommy came along. The thought of venturing into marriage again made me nauseous. Tommy's question lingered in my head. What the heck was I going to tell him? Did I want to marry Jennifer? Did she even think about marrying me? It was around this time that we went to Denton for Thanksgiving to spend time with Jenns family. Before we went I had a meeting with my therapist. "It's a simple question Tom. Do you want to marry Jennifer? The two of you have been together almost 2 years now. How do you feel about her? I know you love her. How do you feel about her? Do you want her to raise your son? Do you want to have children with her? " I was at a loss. Suddenly my therapist took out a sheet of paper and a clip board and handed it to me. Ahhhh. I hated homework."look write down on this sheet two separate columns. One good and one bad. I'm going to ask you questions to put in each collum OK?You only have 10 seconds to answer each. So no over explaining." Ugh I hated this, but I was a little curious. "First for the good. What do you find physically attractive about Jennifer?" "everything. " "Be specific . I need 2 things." "Her eyes and smile" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a friend" "loyalty" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a lover" "playfulness" "What is Jennifer's funniest quality?" "She likes to make faces." "What is the first thing you notice about Jennifer in the morning?" "the way she smells" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a worker?" "diligence." "Would you want your daughter to be like Jennifer?" "absolutely." "Why do you love her?" "I just do. She makes me want to live." "OK that's good. so take a deep breath. Flip the page over. Now this will be a little tougher. Lets work on the bad. Again only one or two words. You have 10 seconds per question." "what do you find physically unappealing about Jennifer?" "I don't" "Tom!" "her kneecaps" "what is her worst quality as a friend?" "gets mad easily." "What is her worst quality as a lover?" "She doesn't like the way her body looks." "What is her worst trait?" "She constantly thinks she's missing out on something." "What scares you about her?" "her anger." "Whats her worst habit?" "messy and drinking." "OK so that's done. These next series of questions can go either way. Just draw a line and put these answers at the bottom." "does Jennifer love you?" "yes" "Do you trust Jennifer?" "yes" "Does she trust you?" "yes" "Does Tommy love her?" "yes" "Does she love Tommy?" I paused. I just didn't know. I don't know why. I put my head down. Tears filled my eyes."I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want him to be sad again. What if I mess this up." "Tom. Breathe. Calm down. It's OK. You love Tommy. You don't want to drag him through more heartache. It's OK. You're a good father." "No I'm not. I've failed at everything. My parents don't love me. Maria doesn't love me. I've screwed up his life forever. What if she doesn't ever love him? I can't live with letting him down again." "You are not going to let him down. Lets just finish these questions. OK?" "When Jennifer isn't around what do you miss?" "I miss her voice. I love to talk to her." "Does she believe in God?" "Yes" "Does she believe in you?" "Yes" "Do you believe in her?" "Yes" "how is she different than Maria?" "I feel like Jenn is my best friend. I can tell her anything." "OK lets look at all of this. You obviously love and admire Jennifer. I've never met her but I believe she loves you. You're worried about your son. That's honest. So many people never think about the children. They just do whatever makes them happy. What makes you think she doesn't love Tommy?" " I'm not sure. It's a nagging thought in my head. She never really looks at him. It's almost as though she is looking past him.Maybe I'm imagining it. I don't know. I just don't think she is ready to be a step mom. I know she kind of already is, but at this point she can leave at any minute. I just don't know." "Well look, she hasn't left. She is right there by your side. Maybe she just doesn't have a good comparison. I mean she dated her ex, a few others, and then you. There is not a great deal of life experience there. She's young. Give it time. Don't do anything drastic Tom. Enjoy each others time together. Call me when you get back from Thanksgiving." I left that day confused. What was I supposed to do here? What was I supposed to tell Tommy? I picked Tommy up from school and took him to the park. I explained the best way I could what happened to me and his mom. "Mommy and Daddy met when we were very young. We fell in love and had you. Sometimes people that have babies together don't stay together. We love you so much. That will never change." "Will you and mommy be married again?" Tommy asked. "No buddy." "Are you going to marry Jennifer?" "I don't know. What do you think?" "I like her. Will she play with me?" "Of course she will." And that was that. That was the extent of our conversation. I knew as he got older the questions would require a considerable more amount of thought and detail. For now this would suffice. As Jenn and I drove to Denton later that week. I looked over. She was sleeping. I felt peaceful. I felt happy. I felt ....complete. Once we got to her house We hugged everyone and kissed everyone. Jenn's dad and I headed out to Krogers to get some last minute supplies for Thanksgiving. I liked Jenn's dad. He was hard working. Likable. I knew that there was this dark side to him that came out, but I hadn't seen it. I was cautious though. I think he often didn't know exactly how to talk to me. I was too old to be one of his children, but at the same time I was dating his daughter. I wanted him to know I was a good man. I would always honor her. I would never forsake her. I would treat her with respect and dignity. As far away as we lived I want him to sleep well knowing that I would lay down my life for her. I would protect her. In sickness and in......health. Wait , what? Those were marriage vows. So I did something bold. "Norman, I want you to know that I really love Jennifer. I always will. So I was wondering if maybe I could ask you for her hand in marriage?" He smiled gave me that long drawn out Texas drawl and spoke of finances and reliability. He then turned to me at a stop light and said"I think you will make a good husband for my daughter. The answer is yes." Well I had done it. There was no turning back now. I actually felt very happy. Very scared but very happy. I had convinced her dad that I was a suitable husband for Jenn. I felt that her mom would agree. The only person left was..............Jennifer. As I thought about it on the way home, I started becoming scared. I wasn't sure why. I just didn't want to fail again.

The heart of the matter

The days after my final custody hearing I spent cleaning up the mess we had made. It's not as easy as just shaking hands and going your separate ways. We still had a big mess. First we had to figure out a schedule. I told Maria that I wanted to Pick Tommy up from daycare every day at 2 when I got off regardless of whose day it was. I was fortunate enough to have a job that gave me the flexibility to spend a great many hours a day with my son. Unlike most moms and dads that work a 9 to 5 job, I could get off early and do all the school related tasks like homework and projects. Initially Maria was hesitant but eventually she realized the benefit of having at least one parent present at all times. Sure I took a hit on pay, but in the end it was totally worth it. After the smoke settled, we started looking at financial liability. The court ordered a certain dollar amount that I was responsible for but in the end I decided on a different dollar amount that would hopefully provide Maria with a little added flexibility. I think on many occasions Ex's remain mad after the divorce. They almost walk around with a chip on their shoulder. I didn't want that to be me. What's done was done. I didn't want to let any left over anger cloud any of my decisions regarding Tommy or my dealings with Maria. It's not easy. At all. But you have to make that decision to let it go and move forward. One time Jenn asked me "Aren't you mad at some of the things she did?" Oh yeah I told her. I went through a cycle of sorrow, followed by anger, followed by frustration, ending in resolution. I went through this cycle at least 20 times a day. I also had to find a way to integrate my relationship with Jenn into the mix. Maria hadn't met Jenn yet. I was nervous about that. One thing I told Jenn was that to think of Maria as Tommy's mom not my ex wife. "It's natural to feel awkward about this Tom. Jenn's only information on Maria is that you were so hurt during your divorce. That's her perception. Maria's perception will be who is this girl around my son? You can greatly help determine how they both relate to each other by your actions. Just be supportive and very respectful. Maria is Tommy's mom so you need to show Tommy that you respect his mom. At the same time, if you want to consider Jenn an equal you must respect perspective.It's a balancing act. " My therapist and I had been working on a way assimilate all parties involved. I didn't know if I was being too idealistic with regards to how our family would look in the future. In the midst of all this I started to notice the bond that Tommy was forming with Jenn. He listened to her. When I tickled him he yelled for her to help. When I was tickling Jennifer, he would run to her aid. One day, Jennifer showed Tommy how to throw a football. He listened to her for some reason instead of me. One night while he said his prayers he made sure to include Jennifer and her new nephew Austin. I was floored. Jennifer has often said that she didn't want to be a step mom. However, as the days turned into months and than to years, that is exactly what she became. Jennifer was protective of Tommy as well. I watched the way she walked with. Fiercely protective but at the same time not in the slightest bit overbearing. On many occasions Tommy confided in Jennifer before me. I never thought I'd be so proud of the bond that they had formed. One thing my therapist and I saw in the future was how we would integrate extended families into this whole situation. Jenn's family knew I had a child and Maria's family knew of Jenn. So it was just a matter of time before all parties involved met each other. One day Tommy came home from school and asked me two questions that stopped my heart. "Dad, why are you and mommy divorced? will Jennifer be my step mom?" All of the sudden I got nervous and on the horizon I saw the impending storm.

If you want blood

I woke up August 9th , my 31st birthday with a heavy heart. I sat up in bed, kissed Jenn and started crying. "I'm so scared I'll never see him again Jenn." She hugged me and told everything would be OK. I got dressed, went to work for 2 hours and then showed up at my attorneys office. I changed into slacks and a button down shirt and got ready. Today was the final custody battle. We had heard that Maria's attorney had chosen today, my birthday, last week. It seemed fitting I guess. Go in for the kill and hit him where it hurts. As I arrived at the courthouse I saw my parents. They smirked and said "happy birthday". I saw our best friends, my clients, and my ex-in laws. Maria's mom came up to me, hugged me and said "you will always be my son." I waited in a holding area while our docket got called. In about 30 minutes we walked in and went to war. We both hit each other with everything we had. In the end Maria asked for complete separation of all parental rights, the ability to move out of state, restitution , and child support. I asked for joint custody , shared parental rights, and a protective order against my parents. As the judge rose to leave I stood up. "please don't take my son away. Please don't let him grow up without a daddy." I sat and sobbed. I was done. I had nothing left. I had listened for the last 2 hours how I was a bad father, a horrible husband, and a disappointment as son. I pictured going home without Tommy and swallowing the pills. I didn't want to live anymore. I just couldn't handle it. Than something happened. Jenn texted me. "I love you. Everything is going to be OK." I sat in my attorney office crying. I had nothing. No family. No nothing. And for some reason this amazing young lady at home loved me. I wiped my eyes and stood up. About 10 minutes later the Judge stood before us. Joint custody, shared conservator ship, Maria couldn't move, and my parents could never be left alone with him. We had won. For some reason I didn't feel like a winner. I watched as Maria heard the verdict. She was shocked. I'm sure her attorney assured her victory. That day Tommy came home with me. I hugged him so much. I kept kissing him. To this day I still haven't stopped kissing him. My little man. I remember calling Jenn and telling her what had happened. I was so happy. She was as well. For the first time I felt my shoulders lift. My heart was full. .....and then I started getting scared. What if he didn't like me anymore? What if he cried for his mom? What if ...what if...what if. I had a mini breakdown at home. Jenn in typical Jenn fashion smiled and told me"it's going to be OK. You're his daddy. Of course he loves you." So I walked in with Tommy and said"Tommy this is my good friend Jennifer." He was shy. He kind of hid. I went to get some thing out of the car later that night and walked in to Tommy sitting next to Jennifer on the couch with a book. Apparently he asked her to read it for him. She looked up with a slightly bewildered grin. It was almost as though Tommy had thrown up a little test for Jenn and she had passed. Everything was going to be OK. Now I had to relearn how to be a dad and put all those ideological views to task. I had a long road ahead of me still. For the first time in a while I felt like I had a family.

The Ghost of relationships past.

I tend to have a very romantic view of woman. I'm not to sure why. I was writing love notes to girls in 1st grade. I love the idea of standing on a rooftop and professing your love. I guess that's why I tend to make a "big deal" about certain things. Flowers, jewelery, clothes, food, notes etc. You know it's just who I am. In 8th grade I gave roses to 20 girls on valentines day. Sure it was for charity, but I was Mr. Casanova. I guess that's why I tend to think of all the women who have meant something to me as special. I tend to see the good. I rarely say anything bad. It's just not me. On the other hand, I haven't really had what some would label as betrayal or extreme heart break. While my Marriage was ending and we were fighting over Tommy I still said "I love Maria." To this day, I won't engage in anything negative. She is a good woman. A good mom. Sure, I had little crushes here and there, but for the most part Maria was my first big love. I never had the opportunity to feel what betrayal was like. Jennifer on the other hand did. The funny thing is, both she and I have a very romantic view of love. She wanted the white horse, with Brad Pitt on top and well, I wanted to be Brad Pitt and ride up on my horse. For the most part I tried to be the white knight. I remember one afternoon in the beginning of our relationship sitting on her couch and looking over and seeing a stack of fashion magazines. They were marked on and several pages had been dog eared. These couldn't be Jennifer's I thought. I mean Jenn is kinda not in to all of that. So I asked who's they were and she responded that they were hers. I said "but you never wear anything like this." She kind of shrugged her shoulders and said she couldn't afford it. So I made pact with myself, if we stayed together, I would make it my mission to get her all those things. I wanted her to feel special. I wanted her to feel important. Loved. More importantly I wanted her to feel pretty. I saw it, but I wanted her to see it. I often wondered where this lack of confidence came from. It didn't make sense to me. I saw someone that put themselves through school, did well in school, was smart, driven, and hard working. I had a tenth of the qualities Jennifer had but for some reason I had a great deal more confidence. It was her Achilles heal in many respects. This lack of self confidence would seep into her mind and heart like a poison and take hold. I've often noticed that jenn walked with her head down a great deal. As our relationship flourished I started seeing her stand up a little more. Aside from posture though, Jenn was nursing some pretty extreme wounds of her own. Her first real relationship ended several years back, but she found out that he had been unfaithful to her. It was almost as though the first two men in her life broke her spirit. Jenn's dad had hurt her mother, and her first boyfriend took her trust. As the months passed I realized that what Jenn had done was try to forget about it all. Not talk about it. On many levels I wanted her to admit to herself and me that she was still hung up on this guy and very mad at her dad. To talk about it helps. The feelings she was having was nothing to be ashamed of. I think sometimes she felt ashamed that this person occupied so much of her mind. But I can't imagine finding out as young girl that you had given yourself to someone who was unfaithful. I can't imagine how that destroys your self confidence. From time to time I could see her stare off into space and I knew where her mind was. In many ways my mind was there too. I missed Maria. She was my first real relationship. I longed for her. I wanted to hear her say"Tom just come home." But the call never came. I knew we were over. I knew we would never be the same. However, like Jenn I fixated from time to time. As the months passed I realized we were both holding each other accountable for relationships past. My therapist told that in time it would pass. We would both move on. However, with two very romantic hearts connected ,that was easier said than done.