The Final Thought

I could go on forever. I love to talk to people. Everyone has a story. I was talking to my friend Jeff the other day about this book, relationships , work, and kids. He made a very valuable assessment of me . "Tom you've had your Ah HA moment. It took almost losing your son. To deny someone you love their Ah Ha moment so they don't get hurt is your own selfishness trying to fix them." So true.

So what Happened and what now?

I have had several talks with several different people about this and all have led me to this chapter., The main reason, being that there is a very valuable lesson and story here. My intentions of this book were to talk about how I had overcome the abuse of my childhood to forge through to a sucessfull relationship with Tommy, Jennifer and Maria.
I love movies. I am an only child , so I often watched movies and imagined my life in the stories. I wanted to be the Outlaw Josie Wales. I wanted to be John Cusack holding up the radio for his love to hear "in your eyes" after they broke up. I wante to be Eric Stoltz who realized that Watts was his true love. I wanted to be Rocky, who won the title only after being encouraged by his wife coming out of a coma. I wanted to be Ryan Gosling who reads to his dieing wife the story of their romance. And sadly, I wanted to be Jake from Sweet Home Alabama who wins his love back by making something out of his life. Unfortnatley I am human and I haven't had several people go over the script of my life to edit it to become the perfect romance and/or sucess story. I'm just Tom. A regular single dad.
Jennifer and I did end up getting engaged. I threw an amazing surprise engagement party and had her family and friends there. I was so happy. I had found the right one. Everyone loved us together and I saw a future full of adventure and children ahead. There was a hitch. There are two people in every relationship. It helps if they are both happy. Jennifer wasn't happy. She felt claustrophobic. She felt unfullfilled. She wasn't in love with me anymore. About 7 months after our engagement she told me all of this. I was shattered. I found out soon after that I had cancer and it put her plans of leaving on hold for the time being. She was my rock in many ways. I hoped that I would talk her out of it. That she would wake up and see the light. She never did. I know I could have talked her out of it. I know there are things I could have told her that would have made me seem more appealing. But I didn't. I hoped that she would leave and find her way back based on how connected we were. I came to find out later, that I wasn't the only one in her life. I felt betrayed, embarassed, and more than a little angry. My Grandfather told me once that you can't lose something that was never yours to begin with. In the beginning I felt that I had lost Jennifer .As time passed I realized that she wasn't the right person for me. While we were, and still are so similar on many levels, we were ,and still are different on many important ones. My abuse left me with a fierce desire and need to protect people. I always waited for help that just never came. As result of this I became a very protective parent, friend, and partner. This protectiveness can come across as confinement. In the midst of our break-up I still had this overwhelming need to protect her. The reality of this is , that someone who has experieced some of the things Jennifer did, this protectiveness can be labeled controlling and confining. While we had similar scripts in life, our points of view and parts we played were so very different. One thing I needed to come to grips with, is that this wasn't about me. My first reaction was to criticize myself and beat myself up. What did I do? Why doesn't she want me? Why am I not good enough?But we were so happy. The answer is I didn't "do " anything. She didn't want me because she just didn't . I am deffinitely good enough, she just needed certain other needs fulfilled. As for happiness; I was happy, she wasn't. Time does heal wounds , it just takes time, and sometimes time seems like it takes an eternity. So with time my heart and mind shifted. My anger got replaced by sorrow. I still wanted to reach out to her and tell her I cared. I allways will care and I know Tommy will allways love her. She is a special lady and I know she will find the life she desires.

So here's the reality of it guys, after divorce your first relationship will probably not last. Unless you are a robot you still have a great many wounds to heal. Once they are healed your outlook will be different and you're parameter of what you'll be willing to accept in a partner will be different. My advice to all is to not jump from one ship to another. Take some time alone. I know the dreaded word...alone. If you use your time wisely you can improve on the man you are, the man you want to be. I know Tommy will be OK. His mom and I are the support he needs. He does ask about Jennifer everyday. He sometimes asks why . My response is simple. " I know she isn't here. But close your eyes. She'll allways be here (pointing to his head ) and here(pointing to his heart). " It sounds poetic. Right now it's all I got. Like I said before, the abuse left me rather resilliant. This resilliance has been my safety net of sorts. I'm not quite sure where things go from here. I'm intrigued though. The Texas summer is growing hotter each day.With each day the chemotherapy surges through my body killing the cancer cells and everything along with it. I feel my body weaken at times but my heart and spirit grows. I am a better man, and I will not just survive. I will thrive.

Thankyou

I owe so much of this to ...well.... everyone. So here's a start

• Diane Hardman-My first love. Thankyou so much for talking to me later in life and giving me a little clarity. You have a beautiful family.



• Cathy Rimmer- The first person that ever showed me humility and caring.



• EIS- My Honduran connection. I love you guys so much.



• Jimmy and Tanya-My best friends. I Love you always. Anytime, anyplace, I'm there.



• Michelle and Brandon-My houston family



• Bob and Chere- my surrogate family.



• The Olsons- Patti,Michael,Maureen,Ted,Amo,Cathy,Brent,Gogo. So much love. I've never felt alone.



• Michael ,Susie,Hayden&Shallon- I can't express what yall mean to me.



• Sara- I love you Whitey



• Crestin and Lauren-My little sis and brother. I will always have your back



• Wendy and Lauren Albrecht-My angels. I couldn't hold my son if it wasn't for you.



• Bridge,Annie,And Big Al- My angels. My support group.


• Chela,Norman, and Geoff. Love you so much for always believing in me.



• Adam and Katie- Thankyou. Just Thankyou so much.



• Rob Hill- I miss you so much Rob. I know you're up there taking shots for me.



• Tim, and Leo- I love you guys.



• Lee,Stacey,Shawn,Sabrina,Larry,Kumara,Alex,Alon,Celeste,Amac,Moose,Super Sandra,Marshall,AmyS,Dan,Margaret,Mary, Angela, Pierre,Heather,Kev,-I love yall



• Maria-I am only here because of you. You are a wonderful mother.



• Jennifer-I'll always believe in you no matter where you are. Thankyou.



• Ana- You've helped me renew my faith in humanity and life. Thankyou for helping me feel alive again



• Tommy-All I could ever want is for you to feel happy and secure. Thankyou for being my son. You are the proof that I did something right in this world. Get used to the kisses and hugs, because they are never going to stop.



• Mom and Dad- I forgive you. I love you. Try to find your own peace.

Afterthoughts and words of wisdom

I was told I needed to let people know where my life had turned. In 2010 I was diagnosed with cancer. It was earth shattering for me. In a moment I realized what I loved so much. I realized what I didn't want to lose. I love life. I love Tommy. I love Jennifer. I love Maria. I love everyone that has come in to my life. Each and every one of them has hepled make me who I am. All the scars , all the heartbreak, all the pain has given me so much perspective. Oddly enough it's made me love more. During the process of writing this book Jennifer and I split up. It wasn't pretty, and just like my divorce I started to fall. Unlike my divorce I still feel as though she is part of me. No matter where she is or what she is doing , I feel as though she is with me through every experience. If it wasn't for Jennifer I never would have made it through all the pain. We are disconected but in many ways I feel as though my heart and soul still speaks to her. Physically our time is done, emotionally she's very much a part of me. Also unlike my divorce Tommy is here. Nine years old and growing. He enriches my every day. I am so insanely emotional when it comes to him. He still lets me hug and kiss him which I know won't last. He knows I'm sick and I know it scares him. I try to be brave but sometimes the pain is overwhelming and he catches me crying . I hope when people do get a chance to read this ,my chemotherapy will be done. I hope Tommy will be with me standing on a Hawain beach . Looking at those big waves. Amazingly I've learned so much this past year. I've got a pretty good memory and as no surprise to anyone I tend to write everything down. So here are a few of my favorite "isms"

• "If your marriage is hard work you realize there is no retirement plan right" Mike Miller


• "Some people have a hole in the bottom of their cup. They keep on trying to fill it with something new and it keeps leaking out. What they really need to do is fix their damn cup" Susie Hunter


• "You hold on to your family. God doesn't give everyone families"


• "Stop climbing for a second and look around. Too many people look at the peak and don't enjoy the climb." Ray(cancer survivor)


• "You're not afraid of heights....you're afraid of falling." Master Chief Gibson(USN)


• "I work here. I don't live here"


• "I'd much rather die trying than try to die" Dr. Kocs (oncologist)


• " I can always lose weight, but you'll allways be short(to me)" Damon Schiller


• "Honey this is the pizza you ordered, you knew what was on it when you ordered it" Al Koehler(in a fight with his wife referring to himself)


• "You just got dropped Tom. Your hands were down and you got dropped. Are you going to go home , sulk, and never fight again, or are you going to get up, keep your hands up next time and come back stronger?" My therapist


• "Don't give up Daddy." Never Tommy.Never.