I have had several talks with several different people about this and all have led me to this chapter., The main reason, being that there is a very valuable lesson and story here. My intentions of this book were to talk about how I had overcome the abuse of my childhood to forge through to a sucessfull relationship with Tommy, Jennifer and Maria.
I love movies. I am an only child , so I often watched movies and imagined my life in the stories. I wanted to be the Outlaw Josie Wales. I wanted to be John Cusack holding up the radio for his love to hear "in your eyes" after they broke up. I wante to be Eric Stoltz who realized that Watts was his true love. I wanted to be Rocky, who won the title only after being encouraged by his wife coming out of a coma. I wanted to be Ryan Gosling who reads to his dieing wife the story of their romance. And sadly, I wanted to be Jake from Sweet Home Alabama who wins his love back by making something out of his life. Unfortnatley I am human and I haven't had several people go over the script of my life to edit it to become the perfect romance and/or sucess story. I'm just Tom. A regular single dad.
Jennifer and I did end up getting engaged. I threw an amazing surprise engagement party and had her family and friends there. I was so happy. I had found the right one. Everyone loved us together and I saw a future full of adventure and children ahead. There was a hitch. There are two people in every relationship. It helps if they are both happy. Jennifer wasn't happy. She felt claustrophobic. She felt unfullfilled. She wasn't in love with me anymore. About 7 months after our engagement she told me all of this. I was shattered. I found out soon after that I had cancer and it put her plans of leaving on hold for the time being. She was my rock in many ways. I hoped that I would talk her out of it. That she would wake up and see the light. She never did. I know I could have talked her out of it. I know there are things I could have told her that would have made me seem more appealing. But I didn't. I hoped that she would leave and find her way back based on how connected we were. I came to find out later, that I wasn't the only one in her life. I felt betrayed, embarassed, and more than a little angry. My Grandfather told me once that you can't lose something that was never yours to begin with. In the beginning I felt that I had lost Jennifer .As time passed I realized that she wasn't the right person for me. While we were, and still are so similar on many levels, we were ,and still are different on many important ones. My abuse left me with a fierce desire and need to protect people. I always waited for help that just never came. As result of this I became a very protective parent, friend, and partner. This protectiveness can come across as confinement. In the midst of our break-up I still had this overwhelming need to protect her. The reality of this is , that someone who has experieced some of the things Jennifer did, this protectiveness can be labeled controlling and confining. While we had similar scripts in life, our points of view and parts we played were so very different. One thing I needed to come to grips with, is that this wasn't about me. My first reaction was to criticize myself and beat myself up. What did I do? Why doesn't she want me? Why am I not good enough?But we were so happy. The answer is I didn't "do " anything. She didn't want me because she just didn't . I am deffinitely good enough, she just needed certain other needs fulfilled. As for happiness; I was happy, she wasn't. Time does heal wounds , it just takes time, and sometimes time seems like it takes an eternity. So with time my heart and mind shifted. My anger got replaced by sorrow. I still wanted to reach out to her and tell her I cared. I allways will care and I know Tommy will allways love her. She is a special lady and I know she will find the life she desires.
So here's the reality of it guys, after divorce your first relationship will probably not last. Unless you are a robot you still have a great many wounds to heal. Once they are healed your outlook will be different and you're parameter of what you'll be willing to accept in a partner will be different. My advice to all is to not jump from one ship to another. Take some time alone. I know the dreaded word...alone. If you use your time wisely you can improve on the man you are, the man you want to be. I know Tommy will be OK. His mom and I are the support he needs. He does ask about Jennifer everyday. He sometimes asks why . My response is simple. " I know she isn't here. But close your eyes. She'll allways be here (pointing to his head ) and here(pointing to his heart). " It sounds poetic. Right now it's all I got. Like I said before, the abuse left me rather resilliant. This resilliance has been my safety net of sorts. I'm not quite sure where things go from here. I'm intrigued though. The Texas summer is growing hotter each day.With each day the chemotherapy surges through my body killing the cancer cells and everything along with it. I feel my body weaken at times but my heart and spirit grows. I am a better man, and I will not just survive. I will thrive.
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