The Calm and the Storm

I went home with a heavy heart. I never thought of myself as being abused. I was adopted. Given attention and private schools. I should be greatful.I was starting to believe this less and less. I never talked about this. Maria was my best friend, the only woman I had ever been intimate with but we realy had never talked about anything. I wasn't about to start now. I realy needed to figure out what was going on in my head. I was still very lost. Maria and I were officialy divorced but our battle over custody insued. I knew in my heart that we would never be together again, and still I felt I owed her something. I felt like when we were together she never realy knew me. I wanted to explain to her who I was. Before I did that I needed to think about how my childhood had affected my behavior as an adult. I wasn't looking for an excuse. A link. And if I found one I needed to break the cycle. Right now. I had about 5 days to realy reflect. I wasn't a big yeller . Im' still not. I think in many ways it's waisted energy. I have also never hit or pushed Maria. I was worried that my abuse may have been emotional. I would shut down and deny feelings. I did this often. I would run hot and cold. I was either all in or all out. A pattern started surfacing. The minute I felt vulnerable I pushed people away. If I felt to content I would create drama. So I came up with this theory that I called "the calm and the storm." You see I felt that in relationships their exsists two types of people. There are those that are calm. They need calm to flourish. They get places on time, usually make schedules,make to do lists , and need a sense of peace and tranquility to thrive. They are constatnly trying to exisist in a calm enviroinment. At the same time I think there are those who are just the opposite. These people are the storm. They need chaos around to feel purposeful. They overbook themselves,are constantly late, and never follow a set schedule. When things are going well they will create drama to feel alive. I was very much a storm and Maria was the calm. The problem was that whenever things got calm I created chaos. So when Maria was just getting adjusted I threw it all to hell. I cant imagine how unstable that was. I showed up to my next session with a little more clarity. "So Tom did you think about which kind of product of abuse you are?" I knew I was a fighter. I refused to be beaten down. I hated weakness. I hated being scared. I often ran to what scared me. " So think about this. You routinely step into the fire. I mean you cage fight for christ sakes. You think thats a little byproduct of being locked in a closet, thrown around by your father, and constantly demeaned? Of course it is. You once told me you fight because your scared. I get that. Most athletes draw from some sense of emotion in order to compete. But what happens when you don't have to compete anymore? I mean it's just you and your partner? You have to be able to face the world together . Husband and wife. Two equals. Together. If you don't you know what happens. That's not a question. You know what happens." "the other problem you have is that when you feel threatened you shut down. The two people who should have loved you the most treated you like a disappointment when you were young. Then when you were older and needed their support they attacked you and tried to distance your son from you. There is no way that you don't have some underlying trust issues. The minute you feel hurt, you take that as an attack, and since you are a "fighter" you strike back." I completely understood. So we talked for a while about Maria. Our relationship. Our conversation about Maria lasted the better half of three months. I told my therapist about my calm and storm theory. She agreed. The biggest problem within my relationship with Maria was that we exsisted separately. I loved her , but we were never a partnership. I knew about her family, she knew nothing of mine. She knew we weren't close but there was no explanation. I never shared anything. I worked. I provided, but that was about it. But my chaos constantly infected our relationship like a plague. If I didn't get my way, I withdrew. If I didn't feel I was winning an arguement I went in for the kill and insulted her family. I wasn't about to lose. And at the end of the day I would smile and say I was a good husband. I mean I provided for her right? The problem was that as the years passed I created an adversary not a partner. It should have been no surprise to me that when we got divorced she acted like an adversay and went in for the kill. The crazy thing was that as we separated I realized how emotionally dependent on Maria I was. To this day I will always say that I couldn't do what I do if it wasn't for Maria. She gave me the courage and support to do this when others said I was stupid and throwing my life away(yep you got it, my parents). So how do you stop this. The first thing I had to do was not be ashamed of where I came from. I had to come clean and be honest. My next partner would need to know everything. I knew that this could potentially make people run for the hills, but in retrospect I would rather have someone love all of me and not just the edited version. I also had to embrace and understand the pain that was caused. When I truly embraced and acknowledged this pain I knew that I would in turn never do this to Tommy. It was a sobering experience. For months My therapist and I went back in forth. I didn't want to be like my parents. I was scared of my parents. I hated school. I wanted to try nothing new around them because I knew if I never tried anything, I would fail at nothing' and If I never failed, I would never be ridiculed. That is horrible lonely exsistence. Something amazing happened along the way. I began to like myself.......just a little bit.