The Rule Book

While the court usually gives parents rules with which they both must abide by in the process of a divorce, I had decided to make up my own un written list.

1. If Tommy was with me , he would call his mom at least twice a day


2. I would never get a babysitter


3. If Maria needed me to watch Tommy for her I would cancel any and all plans


4. Tommy would give his mother a birthday, christmas,valentines and easter cards and presents


5. I would always tell Tommy I loved his mom


6. I would never hit Tommy


7. I would never curse at Tommy


8. I would pick Tommy up from school everyday


9. I would do homework with Tommy everyday


10. I would encourage Tommy to be artistic instead of athletic

I know it probably seems like a pretty long list but it was one I adhered to for some time. Even though I was an only child , I never felt as though I was a priority. My education, while private, seemed as though they were showing off. When I didn't do well they were the ones who were embarassed. Even when I did well, it still never seemed good enough.

Strangely enough, it was my parents own disregard for me that made me see divorce in a different light. There was no way I was going to disregard Maria the way they disregarded me. She was valuable in Tommys life. He needed to see that even though his mom and I weren't together anymore, I still respected her and acknowledged her. And even on the days that Maria and I were at odds, as far as Tommy was concerned, my support and love for her would not change. I'd seen on so many ocasions the way in which parents play their kids against eachother. "your dad di this. Your mom did that." While I knew that Maria and my parents engaged in that type of dialogue with Tommy, I wasn't going to play that game. Belive me, there were days when it wasn't so easy.

When Jennifer and I started seeing eachother I laid it flat on the table. Tommy was my priority. Please don't try to compete with him. If we have plans to go on a trip and Maria calls on our way to airport because she needs me to watch Tommy, I'll turn the car around no questions asked. I was going to be a hands on father and no one was going to change that. What I didn't see then was that I was essentially giving Jennifer rules to play by and saying her feelings were secondary. My views were well intentioned, but in time I would realize how severly flawed they were.

The one thing my therpist said as our relationship grew was that the residual side effects from my divorce and abuse would eventually rear their ugly head.