Jennifer

To be quite honest I wasn't sure where it began. For months people had told me to "see someone." I wasn't in the mood. I had no ability to relate. Emotionally I was a mess. Many of my male friends said I should use this time to ...well, go a little crazy. However, I had this one little obstacle. I was a daddy. I have, and still do, tried to conduct my life as though Tommy is standing behind me watching it all unfold. For some reason, this concept has always made me pause a little. And with my mind, a pause was a good thing. Reluctantly I did go out on a few dates. It never lasted. A few awkward stares. One or two dinners and then I wouldn't call back. My heart just wasn't in it.Yet. It was around this time that one of my friends, Kjersti, suggested I ask out a girl that worked at the gym. Her name was Jennifer. My answer was not only no, but hell no. She was too young, too tall, never in a good mood, and we worked together. A pure recipe for disaster. Workplace romances never workout well, which is why they are usually frowned upon. Kjersti, however, was persistent. I mean she wouldn't let up. Finally I relented. "OK" I said."I'll take the both of you to lunch. Will you let it go after that?" Well after that one lunch I went home feeling ......weird. I had this strange feeling in my stomach. Maybe I had gotten food poisoning. Wait a second. I knew what this was. Butterflies. How could this happen? She wasn't even my type. And to be quite honest she didn't seem all that interested. I knew I had to find a way to get rid of this feeling. I would ask her out again and than I was sure something about her would stand out and I would be able to put her out of my mind. We had a very low key dinner at a Cuban restaurant. No luck. We had a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. No luck. We saw a movie. Still no luck...aaargh! What the hell was wrong with me? Over the course of a month or so I had learned a great deal about her life, family,past relationships,hopes and dreams. I had a great amount of respect for her. I admired her. Behind that angry exterior was a funny, intelligent,focused, loving, beautiful woman. "I don't love her. I just ,you know. I don't know what I'm feeling."It was all I could muster up after telling my therapist about Jennifer. "OK. well, I have seen your eyes light up in this room only when you talk about your son. Until today. It's OK to love her Tom. You don't have to feel guilty. People who are hurt growing up have some of the deepest and strongest love to give. It's hidden beneath all that pain. You love her. Remember ,to love her, does not deny the love you had for Maria. Your heart is simply reaching out to another. I would bet that there is some pain in her past. Your heart chose hers for a reason. " "I'm so scared." I replied. The emotion had overcome me by now. I couldn't explain it. "Why are you scared Tom? What is it?" "What if she doesn't love me back.What if she leaves me? I'm no good" By now I had curled up into a ball. "Listen to me Tom, I don't know if she loves you. I can't tell you she'll never leave. I can tell you , it isn't healthy to live this way. You can't go through life not doing things because your afraid it will be taken away, or that someone is going to leave. It may be over tomorrow, but at least you loved. At least you opened your heart. Get out of that closet. The door is open. The light may be just as painful but at least you are living. Being stuck in that closet isn't living. And right now you're stuck." My fear about this new relationship existed on many levels. I wasn't sure what I wanted to or what I needed to tell Jennifer about Maria. She knew I had a son, but she never met him. I didn't want to just introduce Jennifer to Tommy. I had seen many divorced parents date. I didn't want Tommy to see this revolving door of women go through his life. I didn't want him to get attached and than 2 months later it was over, and he was left with questions about why he couldn't see his friend anymore. I wasn't sure how I would handle the dating thing, but I knew what I didn't want to do. I also needed him to know that he was my priority. Children are perceptive and they can figure out when they are being shuffled around to fit another adults schedule. I didn't want to do that. I wanted him to feel secure. He belonged to me. We were a family. In time I hoped that we would be able to invite another person into our family. It would be someone we both loved. Someone who loved us. Was that person Jennifer? Only time would tell. One thing was sure. I had fallen in love with Jennifer during this uncertain time in my life. I would soon find out that my mind instinctively resorted back to my original train of thought when she and I would encounter conflict . As that would happen , my therapist and I would try to put it back on track. It wasn't easy. But for the first time in my life I started feeling human.