Moving forward

Therapy to me is like slowly peeling back the skin of an onion. It's a little tedious and there are a lot of tears. But when you get to the core of everything you feel a great sense of accomplishment. One thing I did want to make clear was that I wasn't locked in a closet everyday. I wasn't thrown around by my dad everyday. There were times when I truly felt loved and valued. It was very subtle the pain inflicted. One Christmas my parents didn't give me any presents to punish me. No tree. Just another day. I went back to school and told everyone of all the presents I got. I mean how would I explain that. I was 9 years old. My dad had an old car that he would drop me off in at an elite private school in South Carolina. Every morning he made sure to tell me he could afford a new car if he didn't have to pay for my education. Then quickly he would say have a good day. When I played baseball I was told "don't embarrass me" before practices. My mother would make backhanded comment about my cousins being smarter than I was. She would point out kids in my class that I was smarter than but she made sure to note the ones I wasn't. It was a constant guessing game. I never felt very secure in my own skin. At any minute I could be slapped or be called stupid. I retreated a great deal. I imagined a better life. I imagined being famous. When I got older that feeling of unease didn't stop. In fact I was constantly insecure about myself. I always thought the worst would happen. I got depressed a great deal. I used humor and anger to fend off those feelings of depression. I would, and still do, make light of everything. I look for the humor. I would get angry at the fear and depression in my heart. I took up martial arts so I could defend myself against that fear. Every bully , every scary situation, every argument represented my fathers rage or that dark closet. I would imagine the day that I would strike back against my father and the day that I was strong enough to kick the closet open. I'm still scared of the dark to this day. It really pisses me off. I'm 37, in good shape, a pro fighter, but I am petrified of the dark. When someone puts their hands near my face I flinch. To this day. When I hear the word "stupid" my blood boils. When Maria and I got married , I was in pretty bad shape. I had spent about a year in the military and was in great need of feeling complete. Maria ,I hoped would save me. She would be my companion in the dark. She would never call me stupid. Never hit me. She would constantly believe in me. And for the most part all of that was true. So what happened? I would get these huge waves of depression. I would feel like a failure. Sometimes even suicidal. My response to this was to work like a madman. I didn't want to face Maria. She didn't understand me anyway. When I would come home I would be seeking acknowledgement, Maria had her own job and work and didn't always have the time to tell me how great I was. I took that lack of acknowledgement as an outright attack. So I withdrew and slid farther and farther into depression. I was hardwired for failure. No sense of security, deep separation anxiety,self deprecating,passive aggressive, and very hurt. I wish I could have talked to my wife. Sadly, to this day it has never happened. "In a perfect world Tom, how would you want to raise your son with Maria?" It was nearly 6 months into therapy and our court date that would decide our custody issues was looming. This was a very important question. I tend to think a little idealistically at times. Therapy will do that to you. I had become much more confident in my own skin. I wasn't as depressed. However the fear that Maria would win our custody battle gave me anxiety. Maria was seeking sole custody,sole conservator ship,and she wanted the right to move out of travis county. The idea that Tommy would grow up without me was devastating. I was so scared. I knew however, aside from fixing my own problems , I would have to learn how to work with Maria forever when it came to parenting Tommy. My answer seemed a little silly. " I would like us to do all birthdays together. Have equal amounts of times during holidays, share summer, go to all parent teacher conferences together, and show up at all school functions together." My therapist for the fist time ever smiled at me. "OK. You realize that you guys are divorced right? That's not very realistic. Right now she won't even talk to you. Lets break that down a little." I was undeterred. Now, nearly 7 years later , that is exactly how we do things. So how did we pull it off? It wasn't easy, but here's how we did it. "