The theory of abandonment

I have been told on more than one occasion that I have major abandonment issues. I would probably have to agree with this assessment. From what I understand of this issue, it starts around child birth. Foster children and orphans tend to both have it. It is supposed to be related to the way our mother choose to or choose not to nurture and hold us. I was raised in an orphanage as a baby so these issues run very deep. On top of that I don't have any brothers or sisters. Being locked in a closet, being left in libraries for hours on end while my mother got her nursing degree, being left by my mother before my 6th grade field trip and being left in Honduras without her when I was 14 because she decided to come back home to the states have obviously intensified this feeling of abandonment. In the movie "Jerry Mcguire" during his bachelor party they play a video for his character in which several women from his past state"he can't be alone." Well this is me in a nutshell. It is very hard for me to be alone. I tend to pace and just start calling people. It's this reflex I have to feeling empty and alone. When Maria and I split up, I was a basket case. I never slept. I ran 2 or 3 times a day so I could put my body through the same pain my heart was going through. In turn I called people at random times of night just so I could hear I live voice on the other end. I know, depressing. My friends deserve to be sainted for the many needless phone calls I put them through. I was a mess. The crazy thing was that during my marriage, Maria and I never really talked. I used her more as a security blanket for a life that was very empty. We talk a great deal more now and while I realize now how much we don't have in common, I also realize how much we have both grown as individuals. My relationship with Jennifer was much more out of loneliness. Jennifer filled a void that had been left by Tommy and Marias absence. She was very similar to me. We both were brash, sarcastic, and more than a little volatile. I was never a big yeller but I cursed like a sailor. Jennifer yelled and cursed like a sailor. I was impressed. Here was a woman that could stand her ground but at the same time had a very sensitive underbelly. When she got heated her ears would get red and her nostrils would flare as though she was on the brink of tears. Such passion. If I disagreed with her she talked louder as if she was tuning out her siblings. It was concerning to me from time to time because she tended to run very hot and than very cold. I was sometimes left wondering which Jennifer I would get. The sweet sensitive one or the one that was going to take my head off. More often than not I got the latter. As a result I got used to ducking. One night after a few drinks we got into a heated argument and she took a swing at me. The next day she couldn't remember what happened. I was immediately freaked out. I was very scared. Jennifer hadn't met Tommy yet , but I was scared to death he would see violence from her. I immediately talked to my therapist and she look at me with this "how dumb are you?" look. " Tom she has obviously either been abused or seen abuse ." A few days later I got the explanation I had been searching for. Sitting on the couch next to me Jennifer confided to me that she had witnessed abuse in her home while she was younger. While the abuse wasn't directed at her it was very clear in her mind. I often wondered why someone so special was so insecure about themselves, but as I learned more about the abuse Jenn had witnessed, I saw a similarity in ourselves. I too was horribly insecure. I too had a tendancy to slip into depression. We both had control issues. The difference was the anger, and my feelings of abadonement. When Maria and I separated I lost my sense of control. It was hard for me to psychologically wrap my head around the idea that I had lost control. The more I tried to control my situation the farther away it slipped. The farther away it slipped, the more abandoned I felt. What I never had was an overwhelming feeling of anger. I wasn't mad at Maria or my parents. In the end , I just wanted to be loved and accepted. Jenn's feelings of anger were a surpressed resentment that came out from time to time. So here we were two people, both with control and insecurity issues, and one with anger issues. A match made in.......purgatory. As amazing as it seems it worked....for a little while.