Daddy do's and Daddy don'ts

• As I have said before, sucessful people make lists. These lists can be steps by which they want to live their lives or a set of goals that they want to attain. As I've gotten older I've realized that while my inclination isn't towards making list, it is a habit I need to add to my day to day life. My Daddy do/don't list was a more of a mission statement(thankyou Jerry Mcguire). I wanted to impress several things on Tommy that I had learned from my life. Some of the things took a great amount of pain to learn. One thing I wanted to make certain of was that I didn't create a cycle that Tommy would in turn have to deal with. I sometimes laugh , but if Tommy is in turn writing a book trying to cope with the pain that me and his mom inflicted on him, than I have gone horribly astray. So my list incorporated several meaningfull words , broad strokes if you will, and ways that hopefully he and I would deal with each.


• Love It's the big one right? What is love? Is it just an emotion? Butterflies? Lust? I hate to use this simple explanation, but many years ago(1997) a country song came out by an artist named Clint Black. I've allways love Clint Black. He was short(like me), balding(like me) , and always seemed to have such a good heart. His songs were somewhat whimsical, and told great stories. The minute I heard his song "Something that we do" , I memorized the lyrics and and filed it into my mental rolodex. The song says among other things that love isn't something we find, it isn't something have, it isn't a place we fall, it isn't something we are in. It is something that we do. It is so simple but so true. I think we as people search for that moment when we think we've fallen in love. It's exciting. It's numbing. It would be great if this feeling lasted forever, but must of us realize it doesn't It changes, and not for the bad either. It gets so much better. I remember the first time I saw Jennifer dressed up. I was floored. Stunning. As the years have passed I've seen her sick, upset, messy hair, and with morning breathe and acne. You know what's amazing, it doesn't change the way I feel in the least. Do I still get butterflies? Nope. Not at all. I don't need to anymore. What we have is much better. I'm not sure exactly how to describe that but I'll try. On one of my recent trips to the oncology infusion center I saw a much older man sitting next to his wife. She was trying to sleep while she recieved her 4th round of chemotherapy. I asked him about their story. She was a 3 time cancer survivor.He was a 2 time cancer survivor. This was an old routine for them. They had been married nearly 30 years. As she tried to rest I watched as he looked at her. Tears streaming down his cheek, I realized that this is love. He remarked that anyone can be happy during the good times, it's if you can be happy during the bad times. "I'm just honored to be here with her" he said.And there you have it. I was stunned. Completely. To be honored to be next to someone it what is their hardest time. Not a hint of hesitation. This is love. It is something that we do. I hope Tommy can feel the love I feel for him. I hope Maria can in turn understand that even after all the smoke has cleared I have a deep love for her, I hope Jennifer knows that the love I feel for her is that of a much more mature man falling in love for the first time as an adult, I hope my parents know that even though I have so much pain associated with them I still love them. I want Tommy to approach every day with so much love in his heart. I think we get clouded with greed, envy, hate and desire and we forget about love. I know it seems a little idealistic. In my darkest hours I've often wondered how to approach what I'm feeling with love. I know I'll have moments of anger, frustration, pain and depression but I want to learn to concentrate more on the positive. You may have hurt me, but I love you. You have done a horrible thing , but I love you. You've disappointed me, but I love you. I think sometimes we save the "I love yous" for our spouses or family, But we all deserve love. I want to love people unconditionally. I will love people unconditionally. I grew up feeling that there were conditions put on love. I will not raise Tommy with that. Love everyone Tommy. Not just on your good days. Love them even more on your bad days.


• Forgiveness Well, I've got no songs to relate this to , other than to say that if you are sorry for something you've done than say it. But, even more than saying it, live it. If a man cheats on his wife and apologizes and than does it again, was he ever truly sorry? So many abusive relationships have these 2 words in common. I hit you. I'm sorry. But than I do it again. Passed all the words , show the person you hurt that you won't redo your previous behavior. Sometimes all the sorries in the world won't fix a bad mistake. Sometimes you need to say you're sorry and move on. Don't make the same mistake again. Even though I believe that Tommy is a very well adjusted young boy, I carry this overwheming feeling of guilt for getting divorced. I probably always will on some level. My biggest fear moving forward is that I will redo this mistake. I sometimes think I will just stay forever single so I don't drag him through all this turmoil again. I think what I've realized is that I haven't forgiven myself. I place this guilt on my own shoulders. I carry it like some morbid scarlet letter. I'm not sure if it will just take time or if there will be some earth shattering event that will help me let go of the guilt. Maybe I'll always have it and somehow it will make me live better life. Or maybe what I realy need to do is apologize to my son. The words won't seem like much to him at this age , but my actions and behavior will hopefully show him how I feel. I've seen so many single dads out there who have so much guilt in there heart. The guilt for the most part manifest it'self as anger . It's OK to feel guilty. Don't let it consume your heart. Try replacing the guilt with love. It's a much more gratifying emotion.


• Reliability and consistancy When I first started my divorce proceedings both my ex and I had to attend a "how to parent through divorce" workshop. If there was anything I took away from the hours spent there, it was the words reliability and consistancy. Kids need to know that you are reliable and consistant. If you say I'll pick you up at 8. Be there at 8. I've heard the horror stories of children who have waited for hours and no one showed up. I can't imagine the what tht does to a childs heart. I was late to pick Tommy up from school about a year ago. It was raining and there were accidents on the road. Even though I was only about 20 min late, I felt horrible arriving at his school. I think I was more traumatized than he was. I want him to know that no matter what life throws at him that I will be right here. Consistancy goes right along side the reliability. Growing up I never felt anything was consistant. One day I was loved, the next day I was shunned. One day I was told I was smart , the next I was told I was stupid. One day a mistake was no big deal, the next I got thrown across a room. I was never left feeling very secure. I lacked any kind of consistancy in my life. As parents I feel this may be one of the most important things to do. If you say "no" than the answer is no. Not yes after some serious puppy dog eyes. I think we give in as parents because we don't want our kids to hate us. Or maybe we are afraid they'll love mom more. I have been guilty of this in the past. I think we all have. Regardless, we have to try and stay consistant. It's the consistancy of our actions and love that will in turn makes us reliable as parents. Once we stop being consistant , our reliability goes out the door.


• Being responsible I've said this before, I often make my decisions as if Tommy was standing right behind me. He's like a little angel on my shoulder in many respects. As I've gotten older I've realized that as an adult single dad, I have to be responsible. I had a coworker one time describe me as "very immature but you act responsible" . I wasn't to sure what this meant by I do get it now. I don't drink and drive, I don't smoke, I don't do daredevil acts(anymore), but I do act a little juvenile at times. I make silly jokes, I jump off the couch, I sing loud in the car, and the ammount of faces and funny voices I do are limitless.That all said, I still try to be very responsible. It sometimes means that I live a "boring" life. But in the long run it's a much more rewarding life.


• Dating I'm not so sure I've figured this one out. One thing I've allways maintained is that "single dads don't date". We don't have the luxury of bouncing around from relationship to relationship. It's not healthy for us as men and it sets a horrible example. I've often heard that most women look at a guy and figure if they can invision themselves having sex with them. As a single father, I tend to look at a woman with a "do I want this woman to mother my child?" question in my head. You never real know at first sight. There are a few rules that I think all us dads should be up front with though. First off ...tell the woman you have a child. It amazes me how many men leave this one out. If the knowledge that you have a child is too much for her upfriont than walk away. It's realy not going to gte any better than that. Second don't introduce your child right away. This is a big mistake that I see men and women make all too often. Wait. Let them see how they fit in to the life of a single parent before introducing them in to your childs. Remember , it's all about consistancy . Having a new woman pop into a childs life every couple of months is not so consistant. I knew a woman who was approximately my age and we both actually went through divorces at the same time. We both had boys. Our parenting styles with reltion to dating were very different. My friend bounced in and out of relationships. She chose men that were married(or not quite divorced... side note:very bad idea), and had issues with their exes. She also introduced these men right away to her young son. When she would date, her son was put in the care of his grandmother while she traveled or went out. It always seemed to me as though her son got pushed aside when a potential suitor was around. I once asked her why she didn't make plans on the weeks she didn't have her son. Her response was that she didn't want her date to be burdoened. I was shocked. These men were brought into her sons life and then ripped away when the realtionship didn't work out. It just seemed very inconsistant and very unreliable. I 've never wanted that for Tommy. I wanted him to know that he was my #1 priority. I wanted him to feel secure about whomever I was with. There is a catch though , with all this good intention. While you are doing all of this, you have to make sure that your partner feels secure. They can't feel as though they are #2. That will never work. So how can you pull it off? The dreaded "c" word. Communication. Make sure that you talk constantly about everything that is going on. Tell your new partner that you appreciate them and what they bring to your family. It can't be the two of you and than another person. It has to be all three of you working together as a family if it is ever going to work. Since this book is very much about what I've learned over time, this is deffinitely one of my shortcomings. Hopefully it is a mistake that I won't repeat in the future.


• Failure While I don't believe you ever want to plan to fail, I do understand that not everyone wins. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and prepare, you just don't win , finish first, or get what you want. I know it sounds cliche, but you gain absolustely nothing from not trying. And even in the presence of failure, you are still so far ahead of those sitting on the sidelines critiqueing your effort. What's hurtful is when your biggest critics are the ones who are supposed to be lifting you up. I can honestly say with an ounce of doubt that I will never criticize Tommy. I'm sure he will fail from time to time. Hopefully not as much as his dad. But sometimes in those failures we gain the most. We learn the most from failed relationships, lost games, and even bad grades. For the longest time failure for me meant ridicule and abandonment. It doesn't anymore. Somehow I've turned a corner. I hoping that with my self discovery and therapy it's a corner Tommy won't ever have to turn.