expectations

From the day Jennifer and I met, we played it very loose. Neither one of us really wanted anything too serious. While I knew I had fallen in love with her, I also realized that our relationship had a level of reality missing. That reality was Tommy. For almost a year during our relationship Jenn hadn't met Tommy. She knew the Tom that gave her 100% of his attention. While she knew I was going through a miserable custody battle with my ex wife, I tended to keep that aspect of my life separate. Jenn made me feel good about myself. She was so much fun. Full of life. Completely willing to try anything at least once. That is still very much who she is and is one of the things I truly love about her. I often said that Jennifer "unbroke my heart." On many levels she did. The part she couldn't fix nor was aware of, was that I was suffering deeply from being separated from Tommy. I often contemplated suicide. On more than one occasion I talked myself out of it in the bathroom with a bottle of pills by my side. Gradually the happiness that existed in my heart from my relationship with Jennifer shifted my perspective. "So Tom , where do you see this going?" My therapist asked one day."I mean it's obvious the two of you love each other. You light up when you mention her. If next week the judge grants you custody, where do you see this going? Have the two of you talked about it? You realize that a child adds a whole other dynamic to any relationship. If neither one of you is upfront with what you expect there could be issues that arise." This was the dreaded situation. I knew I wanted Jennifer in my life. I wasn't 100% sure I was willing to introduce her to Tommy. For no other reason than I didn't want him to get attached to something that may or may not last. "Do you see yourself marrying her one day?" It was an honest question. One I wasn't completely willing to answer just yet. The truth was that if I got custody of Tommy he would become a much bigger part of my life. Whomever I was with at the time would need to be willing to slip into a step mom type of role. Jennifer was still very young and had some major hangups with relationships. As my expectations of her grew , these hangups became more and more prevalent. The bad thing is , we never talked about it. We just kind of flew on autopilot. It was the elephant in the room neither of us was willing to talk about. "Have you thought about next week yet babe?" Jennifer asked with a very careful tone. We were 7 days away from trial. I was very stressed. I could lose Tommy or bring him home with me. I was a complete mess. I lived in a two bedroom apartment, and for the most part Jenn and I spent every night together. How was this going to change? "If you bring him home should I be here?" I could tell Jennifer knew that next week provided a huge fork in the road. It was fork that she could leave at any point. She wasn't obligated, and I didn't get the sense that she was dieing to become a stepmother. "of course I want you here. He will love you." So there it was . I wanted Jennifer here with me if /when I brought Tommy home. It just kind of floated right out of my mouth. The truth was, I wasn't sure this was the best idea, but I was scared. So scared. I hadn't been alone with Tommy for an extended amount of time since he was born. Maria and I were usually together with Tommy. When we weren't, I was at work . I was freaked out. I couldn't do this on my own. What I really wanted to say was"I can't do this alone." At the very least I needed a ......."security blanket." It was an unfair expectation my part. I really didn't give Jennifer a choice. I kind of made the decision for her. In retrospect I should have sat down and asked her what she wanted and what she expected from all of this. But there again was my control issue. Like I said a life made in....purgatory. Purgatory, however couldn't last forever.