unchartered

I think when most people get married they feel that this is it. There will be only one. When I got married I married my high school sweet heart. The first person I had ever slept with. . The first girl I had ever cried in front of. Maria was my soul mate at that time, and very much the love of my life until Tommy came along. The thought of venturing into marriage again made me nauseous. Tommy's question lingered in my head. What the heck was I going to tell him? Did I want to marry Jennifer? Did she even think about marrying me? It was around this time that we went to Denton for Thanksgiving to spend time with Jenns family. Before we went I had a meeting with my therapist. "It's a simple question Tom. Do you want to marry Jennifer? The two of you have been together almost 2 years now. How do you feel about her? I know you love her. How do you feel about her? Do you want her to raise your son? Do you want to have children with her? " I was at a loss. Suddenly my therapist took out a sheet of paper and a clip board and handed it to me. Ahhhh. I hated homework."look write down on this sheet two separate columns. One good and one bad. I'm going to ask you questions to put in each collum OK?You only have 10 seconds to answer each. So no over explaining." Ugh I hated this, but I was a little curious. "First for the good. What do you find physically attractive about Jennifer?" "everything. " "Be specific . I need 2 things." "Her eyes and smile" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a friend" "loyalty" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a lover" "playfulness" "What is Jennifer's funniest quality?" "She likes to make faces." "What is the first thing you notice about Jennifer in the morning?" "the way she smells" "What is Jennifer's best quality as a worker?" "diligence." "Would you want your daughter to be like Jennifer?" "absolutely." "Why do you love her?" "I just do. She makes me want to live." "OK that's good. so take a deep breath. Flip the page over. Now this will be a little tougher. Lets work on the bad. Again only one or two words. You have 10 seconds per question." "what do you find physically unappealing about Jennifer?" "I don't" "Tom!" "her kneecaps" "what is her worst quality as a friend?" "gets mad easily." "What is her worst quality as a lover?" "She doesn't like the way her body looks." "What is her worst trait?" "She constantly thinks she's missing out on something." "What scares you about her?" "her anger." "Whats her worst habit?" "messy and drinking." "OK so that's done. These next series of questions can go either way. Just draw a line and put these answers at the bottom." "does Jennifer love you?" "yes" "Do you trust Jennifer?" "yes" "Does she trust you?" "yes" "Does Tommy love her?" "yes" "Does she love Tommy?" I paused. I just didn't know. I don't know why. I put my head down. Tears filled my eyes."I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want him to be sad again. What if I mess this up." "Tom. Breathe. Calm down. It's OK. You love Tommy. You don't want to drag him through more heartache. It's OK. You're a good father." "No I'm not. I've failed at everything. My parents don't love me. Maria doesn't love me. I've screwed up his life forever. What if she doesn't ever love him? I can't live with letting him down again." "You are not going to let him down. Lets just finish these questions. OK?" "When Jennifer isn't around what do you miss?" "I miss her voice. I love to talk to her." "Does she believe in God?" "Yes" "Does she believe in you?" "Yes" "Do you believe in her?" "Yes" "how is she different than Maria?" "I feel like Jenn is my best friend. I can tell her anything." "OK lets look at all of this. You obviously love and admire Jennifer. I've never met her but I believe she loves you. You're worried about your son. That's honest. So many people never think about the children. They just do whatever makes them happy. What makes you think she doesn't love Tommy?" " I'm not sure. It's a nagging thought in my head. She never really looks at him. It's almost as though she is looking past him.Maybe I'm imagining it. I don't know. I just don't think she is ready to be a step mom. I know she kind of already is, but at this point she can leave at any minute. I just don't know." "Well look, she hasn't left. She is right there by your side. Maybe she just doesn't have a good comparison. I mean she dated her ex, a few others, and then you. There is not a great deal of life experience there. She's young. Give it time. Don't do anything drastic Tom. Enjoy each others time together. Call me when you get back from Thanksgiving." I left that day confused. What was I supposed to do here? What was I supposed to tell Tommy? I picked Tommy up from school and took him to the park. I explained the best way I could what happened to me and his mom. "Mommy and Daddy met when we were very young. We fell in love and had you. Sometimes people that have babies together don't stay together. We love you so much. That will never change." "Will you and mommy be married again?" Tommy asked. "No buddy." "Are you going to marry Jennifer?" "I don't know. What do you think?" "I like her. Will she play with me?" "Of course she will." And that was that. That was the extent of our conversation. I knew as he got older the questions would require a considerable more amount of thought and detail. For now this would suffice. As Jenn and I drove to Denton later that week. I looked over. She was sleeping. I felt peaceful. I felt happy. I felt ....complete. Once we got to her house We hugged everyone and kissed everyone. Jenn's dad and I headed out to Krogers to get some last minute supplies for Thanksgiving. I liked Jenn's dad. He was hard working. Likable. I knew that there was this dark side to him that came out, but I hadn't seen it. I was cautious though. I think he often didn't know exactly how to talk to me. I was too old to be one of his children, but at the same time I was dating his daughter. I wanted him to know I was a good man. I would always honor her. I would never forsake her. I would treat her with respect and dignity. As far away as we lived I want him to sleep well knowing that I would lay down my life for her. I would protect her. In sickness and in......health. Wait , what? Those were marriage vows. So I did something bold. "Norman, I want you to know that I really love Jennifer. I always will. So I was wondering if maybe I could ask you for her hand in marriage?" He smiled gave me that long drawn out Texas drawl and spoke of finances and reliability. He then turned to me at a stop light and said"I think you will make a good husband for my daughter. The answer is yes." Well I had done it. There was no turning back now. I actually felt very happy. Very scared but very happy. I had convinced her dad that I was a suitable husband for Jenn. I felt that her mom would agree. The only person left was..............Jennifer. As I thought about it on the way home, I started becoming scared. I wasn't sure why. I just didn't want to fail again.