The Ghost of relationships past.

I tend to have a very romantic view of woman. I'm not to sure why. I was writing love notes to girls in 1st grade. I love the idea of standing on a rooftop and professing your love. I guess that's why I tend to make a "big deal" about certain things. Flowers, jewelery, clothes, food, notes etc. You know it's just who I am. In 8th grade I gave roses to 20 girls on valentines day. Sure it was for charity, but I was Mr. Casanova. I guess that's why I tend to think of all the women who have meant something to me as special. I tend to see the good. I rarely say anything bad. It's just not me. On the other hand, I haven't really had what some would label as betrayal or extreme heart break. While my Marriage was ending and we were fighting over Tommy I still said "I love Maria." To this day, I won't engage in anything negative. She is a good woman. A good mom. Sure, I had little crushes here and there, but for the most part Maria was my first big love. I never had the opportunity to feel what betrayal was like. Jennifer on the other hand did. The funny thing is, both she and I have a very romantic view of love. She wanted the white horse, with Brad Pitt on top and well, I wanted to be Brad Pitt and ride up on my horse. For the most part I tried to be the white knight. I remember one afternoon in the beginning of our relationship sitting on her couch and looking over and seeing a stack of fashion magazines. They were marked on and several pages had been dog eared. These couldn't be Jennifer's I thought. I mean Jenn is kinda not in to all of that. So I asked who's they were and she responded that they were hers. I said "but you never wear anything like this." She kind of shrugged her shoulders and said she couldn't afford it. So I made pact with myself, if we stayed together, I would make it my mission to get her all those things. I wanted her to feel special. I wanted her to feel important. Loved. More importantly I wanted her to feel pretty. I saw it, but I wanted her to see it. I often wondered where this lack of confidence came from. It didn't make sense to me. I saw someone that put themselves through school, did well in school, was smart, driven, and hard working. I had a tenth of the qualities Jennifer had but for some reason I had a great deal more confidence. It was her Achilles heal in many respects. This lack of self confidence would seep into her mind and heart like a poison and take hold. I've often noticed that jenn walked with her head down a great deal. As our relationship flourished I started seeing her stand up a little more. Aside from posture though, Jenn was nursing some pretty extreme wounds of her own. Her first real relationship ended several years back, but she found out that he had been unfaithful to her. It was almost as though the first two men in her life broke her spirit. Jenn's dad had hurt her mother, and her first boyfriend took her trust. As the months passed I realized that what Jenn had done was try to forget about it all. Not talk about it. On many levels I wanted her to admit to herself and me that she was still hung up on this guy and very mad at her dad. To talk about it helps. The feelings she was having was nothing to be ashamed of. I think sometimes she felt ashamed that this person occupied so much of her mind. But I can't imagine finding out as young girl that you had given yourself to someone who was unfaithful. I can't imagine how that destroys your self confidence. From time to time I could see her stare off into space and I knew where her mind was. In many ways my mind was there too. I missed Maria. She was my first real relationship. I longed for her. I wanted to hear her say"Tom just come home." But the call never came. I knew we were over. I knew we would never be the same. However, like Jenn I fixated from time to time. As the months passed I realized we were both holding each other accountable for relationships past. My therapist told that in time it would pass. We would both move on. However, with two very romantic hearts connected ,that was easier said than done.