The List

• So I'd like to say that I went home made the list as well as the way in which I would accomplish everything and then got it all done. I'd like to say that......but that's not quite how it happened. I did go home after my appointment and make the list. It was very extensive. I took my time and came up with a path by which each goal would be accomplished. So what happened? Well..life happened. The list inadvertenly got pushed aside. Other things took the place of my achievement until now. So about 3 days ago I pulled the list out . It had been a while since I seriously looked at it and read everything I had written. I had such a different idea of what I wanted. Now things are different. So what is it exactly that keeps us from accomplishment? Is it fear? Yes. But what else is it that holds us back? So for the past few days I've try to figure that out myself. So here is my truth


• : Identify where you honestly are in the world. This may seem like a no brainer but you'd be surprised how many men are in complete denial about where they are. I recently had a good friend of mine pass away and up until his last week a live he was in complete denial about where he was. He made excuses. I didn't get this. I was never chosen for that. The truth is for so long he existed outside of the game. I had a baseball coach when I was 10 once tell me that "God doesn't hit fastballs, people hit fastballs. He'll protect you on you're way to the park, but you actually have to swing if you want to hit a fastball." At the time I thought this advice bordered on the ludicrous. As I've gotten older, I've realized what he was saying was"get in the game!" Don't talk about being happy when in all reality you're not. From an adult males perspective it's simple. Are you honestly happy? Are all of your actions, hopes, and dreams out on the table? Are you happy with your wife? Then don't step out on her. Are you happy with your job? Then why are you constantly complaining? For most of us, there is a level of accomplishment that we just haven't reached yet. We have an idea in our minds of what that is , but for some reason we are not striving for it.For many it's because we can't be honest and acknowledge where we are at. If within your marriage you feel unappreciated and disconnected, do something about it. Don't walk around as if nothing is wrong. Walk up to your wife and say"I feel like we aren't connecting anymore. I'm tired of walking around like nothings wrong. We deserve better. Let's talk about it." At work go up to your boss and say"I realy want to have more responsibility here. I feel like I can do a great deal more for this company if you would just give me a chance." Most bosses will be ecstatic to hear this. The ones that aren't and offer you opportunity have just given you the greenlight to look elsewhere. Because life is too short. My clients have heard me say a million times"do what you love and you will never work." It is so true. Most of us have inate sense of what we are meant to be doing. It's usually an interest that we have never been fully honest or forthcoming about. For me it was writing. I always wrote in journals. I saw movies and imagined a better ending. I wrote love stories in my head. I never realy told anyone about these pipedreams of mine. I never did until, I met someone I was comfortable enough with to tell. Someone I trusted. Someone who I felt would believe in me. Once I did I felt so much more comfortable. Not just with what I wanted to do , but also with being honest about where I was. I didn't want to do my job forever. I love it. I'm good at it. But I want to take a chance and see if another one of my talents pans out. One of my clients is a sucessful attorney. He makes enough to put his childrens children through school and in his spare time he writes for a cooking magazine. He still works a job that supports his family, but rather than constantly harbor a passion that he never indulges he has made it a point to work an extra 10 hours a week writing . And you know what , he's pretty happy.


• Identify what's truly holding you back This is where it can get tricky. Most of us don't want to look in the mirror. There is no way it can be me right. It must be her, it must be him, it must be the kids, it must be the job. We play this revoloving blame game and make decisions based on our reluctance to look solely at ourselves. Why do we do this? I can only speak from experience. I was afraid of failure. To me failure meant constant ridicule. But I'm 37 now. Do I realy need to occupy my mind with fear that someone is going to make fun of me. That some one will criticize me. The only person who's approval I should be seeking is that of my child and my spouse and myself. Many of us have fear of failure. It's Ok to be scared . Just be honest about it. I 've watched several men and women walk away from their marriages because they felt , that their spouse was the one that was holding them back. Now in some cases this is true. If your spouse doesn't encourage your own growth than maybe the two of you need to have a talk. A real talk. Most of the time we are unhappy about our lives not because of the person we are invloved with, it's usually an emotional chain that is tethering us in place. To realize this, you really need some extensive self introspection. I teach brazillain Jui Jitsu to many people and I often tell them "what position do you want to be in? So what's holding you down? " When I get the standard "he or she is holding my leg/arm, back etc." I respond with"Nope. That's not it. He's not holding you down. It's your inability reposition that's holding you down." SO rather than quit on your marriage or your job, identify what's keeping you in place. Now if it is fear, ask your self why this fear is so prevalent in your life. Again from my own personal experience it was deep seated in my childhood. As I've gotten older I've realized that I don't want this fear to hold me back and limit me. I also want my son to see me live without fear. I want him to realize the old addage that you can accomplish anything if you just put your mind to it. It seems so simple.




• Identify where you want to be This one is actually pretty simple. I said it before, most of us have an ability or talent that we are partial to. It could be writing, cooking, music, fashion design, archetecture, gardening etc. It often gets pushed aside for a career. There's nothing wrong with picking a career first. For the most part college is very structured. You go to prelaw, law school and then you become an attorney. You go pre med , med school, and then you become a doctor. It would be nice if there was a degree for "Finding your passion" . As it stands now I don't believe there is. So if we are lucky we can identify this passion and than hopefully work on it later in life. I knew a Dentist that was a closet mechanic. He was very sucessful. He wasn't about to drop his practice to become a mechanic , but he used a portion of his earnings to buy classic cars in need of work and than fix thme up. I often saw him covered in grease and he just seemed so happy. It's amazing how that works.


• Create a plan of attack Every great victory requires a great plan. A strategy if you will. I used to love to go to Jennifers job and look at her desk. She had lists made and outlines of how she planned on accomplishing the things on her list. When she finished a task on the list , she one lined it. This was a person who had a gameplan for her day. I loved it. My life was a jumble of great ideas with no plan of attack. No list. Until now. Now this plan can start very simply and than get more intricate as you get closer. So let's hypothetically say that by day you manage a restaurant , but you find yourself watching "Next top designer" in your spare time. Now obviously I'm not suggesting that you give your 2 weeks notice and try to become the next CoCoc Chanel, but how about finding a class on fashion merchandizing, doing some sketches in your spare time and develop a portfolio. There's no law that says you have to show it to anyone right away. Do it for yourself first and foremost. I think we put a price tag on our happiness and than before you know it we forgot why we chose this as a passion to begin with.This doesn't mean that we can't turn our passion into a sucessful business, but there is something I've picked up over the years. Don't equate wealth with sucess.


• Follow through This has always been my biggest curse. I start a project and than I have no follow through. It exist in my head as a great idea, I may even make a plan, but than I fail in following through. Make a comitment. I saw an interview with Mark Cuban on 60 minutes about 10 years ago. The late Ed Bradley was interviewing him and he asked him what made him different from everyone else out there with a plan. Cuban had a great response, he said he was a man of average intelligence but what he did that many others didn't was make it a point to learn one new thing a week, and comit to following through on anything he said. It's the old addage. Talk is cheap. It realy is. Cuban said that so many people have great ideas but never take the steps to at the very least give it a try. I've lacked follow through for many years . The key is to realize and acknowledge that you have a lack of follow through. So if you do have a lack of follow through try and determine why. What's holding you back? Is it ......fear. Ahhh that ugly word. As I've said before, we all have fear on some level. It's a matter of discovering where that fear has come from. Once you know that it's a great deal easier to get past. Now once you've done all of this start involving people. No I'm not talking about getting investors. Behind every great plan is a great support group. We as humans need support. Don't be afraid to use that dreaded four letter word.....help. For me asking for help was hard. So back to the whole list thing. I've found with every year, we tend to find something new to put on our "to do" list. However, unless your an avid climber , it may not be practical to put "Everest" on your list. My list was a little impractical but at the same time attainable.

1. Write a book


2. Develop a workout video


3. Buy a house


4. Dive with Great White sharks


5. Travel to Italy, Japan,Spain, and China


6. Have another child


7. Retire by the time I'm 40

So, as time has passed many of these things are either completed or in the process of being completed. Much of this is a result of ...you guessed it, making lists. What I've found is that in our darkest and sometimes most challenging times we as humans have the ability to rise to the occasion and somehow not just survive. Some of us thrive.

Maybe it is heartbreak and challenge that somehow make me fight to thrive. When I moved out my parents house at the age of 18, I made a very conscious decision to never listen to the ridicule again. My parents weren't informed of my decision so we often butted heads. When they testified against me, and essentialy tried to have Tommy taken away, I fought back. I could have quit. I could have laid down and died , but I didn't. Believe me, there were times when I wanted to quit, but all those years of abuse left me very resiliant. Ironically they created an adult who wouldn't break. For some reason I respond very well to adversity. As I alluded to before I thrive and find purpose in the midst of chaos and the "storm". Where I stumble is serenity. I become ...well for lack of a better word..lazy when I don't have a struggle. That needed to change. I needed to find drive and purpose during those non chaotic times and I needed to make sure I didn't create chaos to help give me purpose. At the same time I needed to enjoy peace. Enjoy the view.