Full Circle : Creating a sucessfull partnership

• I knew when my therapy sessions began there would come a time when I would have to implement all the theories my therapist and I had talked about. I had made so many big mistakes in my marriage, I knew that any future relationship would have to incorporate a great deal of patience , honesty and communication. "Tom you realize that a great deal of your family trauma has led you down a path of miscommunication, and an inability to handle conflict. " I nodded" The first thing you need to do is go home and tell Jennifer who you are. You are a product of a very physically, and emotionally abusive childhood. You can't change that. It's who you are.With that being said , you have these mixed batch of ingredients in your heart, that doesn't mean you in turn have to spit out the same product. You are also a kind, sensitive,caring loving man. You've never hurt your son. You are still so loyal to Maria. You do this with no expectation. It impresses me that you have never walked in here with any hint of anger. What I do sense is sorrow. Because you feel so strongly, you will have a tendency to slip into deep depressions from time to time. You bottle up and hide. It's a defense mechanism. Realize that. And also be very aware that to the person you are with it will seem as though you are selfishly withdrawing." This was a problem within in my relationship with Jennifer. I tended to shut down and close up. I didn't want conflict or confrontation. I never shied away from either in my day to day life but with personal relationships I had a big problem. My tendency with Jennifer was to walk away. This often left her hurt and frustrated. While I divulged a little of my childhood I never really disclosed all of it. Now, I am not suggesting that you open up about all of your deep dark secrets to every person you date . That's a good way to never have a second date. I think we all know when a relationship has entered a period of exclusivity. It's a very hard topic to talk about. You are essentially opening the most vulnerable part of yourself up to the person who you feel can hurt you the most . For me , I never let anyone in. My parents hurt me , and I then in turn lived a a very distant life from Maria. I didn't have tools at the time to handle telling her. Sometimes the most needed thing is therapy. So I bit the bullet and told Jennifer. It was very hard. I cried . Curled up into a fetal position. I had never felt so helpless then when I told her. I told her about the names, the closet, the scare tactics and a million other things that aren't included here. When I opened my eyes for a second I noticed she was crying. I've often said that Jenn and I possess a connection. We both have been products of abuse during our childhood. Mine was directed at me, hers was a product of seeing it. They are both very similar but , as I have learned , have very different responses. My abuse affected our relationship by my inability to communicate with Jenn. My pattern was to shut down during conflict and keep any thing from her that I would anticipate making her upset. While I was taking the right steps by telling Jenn my past, I still had to implement a healthier more productive way to deal with conflict and communication. It's a constant struggle. It really is. I wish I had a better explanation than that. Your body will tell you one thing because you've conditioned yourself for so long. Your mind knows what's right. I still remember a fight that Jennifer and I got in about a year ago. It was about of all things our dog. Our dog tends to be a little hyper when he goes on walks. Barks at other dogs and in general can be a big pain in the butt. Well, it drives Jennifer up a wall. One day she had taken our dog for a walk and apparently he had just gone crazy around another dog and had embarrassed Jennifer so bad. She called me very upset. She demanded dog training and was furious. My response was to downplay the whole thing and say he never acts like that with me. I then proceeded to shut down and get Jennifer off the phone. The anger she had was in turn was directed at me. So what did I do? I shut down. It wasn't until a day later that I apologized and said that what she had to say mattered to me and that I never meant to make light of her feelings. My correct response should have been to listen to everything she said, and first followed it up with "are you OK? Do you need me to come home?" After that I should have followed up with"You're right, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, when I get home tonight lets talk about it and come up with a plan." It seems so simple right? Like I said , my patterned response was to shut down and even though I knew better, it was hard to fight my natural ingrained tendency's. As time has moved on, I have gotten a great deal better, but it takes time. Sometimes a great deal of time. It seems so funny that I went in to therapy , with a very negative attitude about it, now I am one of it's biggest proponents. It's hard to make your relationships work without it, when there is trauma in one of the peoples past. I met a woman not to long ago who had witnessed abuse as a child. On the outside she had a very friendly jovial personality. Every ones best friend. Inside she harbored serious issues regarding her father. I mentioned this person to my therapist once and she said that unless she got counseling she would probably have a hard time ever having a long lasting relationship. Her response to the abuse she witnessed would be to constantly seek authoritative male attention. when she got it, the relationship would last for a while until she starting feeling things were getting serious. After a period of time she would feel confined and feel the need to break out. Her catalyst would be another males attention. This cycle would repeat itself. It's unfortunate, but as I've gotten older it's a little easier to see and recognize the ones that have been hurt. It's like we have this special handshake. We see each other. We identify with each other. I'm not sure why I was abused. I've tried to figure it out. There is no good reason for it. I know who I am now. I am a father. A good decent man. And even though I've made mistakes in the past,I know I'm a better man for it. I have never called myself "god's gift to women" . I have made some glaring mistakes in my past with regards to the opposite sex , but I'm not clueless. So to all you men out there here's my list to you:


• Pay Attention It amazes me how many men pay more attention to themselves then to the women they are with. It's simple. Your woman likes dark chocolate......get her dark chocolate. She changed her hair. Tell her you noticed. Tell her you like her shoes. Remember what she likes to listen to. Her favorite movie. Don't buy her a burger , when she has told you more than once she is vegetarian.


• Compliment something other than her looks It's one of those cruel jokes. They know we are looking at them. Their eyes, legs,hair etc. But they want us to compliment their mind, opinions and aspirations. So again, playing off of the "paying attention" thing, listen to what she says, take an interest, and compliment her on her mind. No, don't say"nice brain". How about "I realy enjoyed listening to you talk about that movie today."


• Listen We as men tend to be .....fixers. Sometimes we just need to listen. Don't try to fix her bad day, just listen to her talk about it. If you appreciate and love your woman, you'll just love the sound of her voice.


• Communicate Just like men, women can't read minds. If it bothers you , tell her. Tell her your hopes , your dreams, and more importantly your fears. It's OK to be scared of the future. That fear will be a great deal more comforting with your partner by your side. The only way she can get there is by bringging her up to speed about whats going on in your heart and mind.


• Find your language and learn how to speak another I wrote about the "love languages" . We all have our own, once you have found out what that is, acknowledge it and in turn learn how to speak a different "love Language". Give gifts and offer words of acknowledgment. As with parenthood, there is no instruction book to being in a sucessfull relationship. If there was, I'd probably have several copies of each. For the most part , we seek individuals who represent our counterparts at childhood. Daughters seek out their fathers and boys their mothers. What I've tried to come across in this book is that if your childhood was abusive , the parameters of what you're looking for in a mate can be greatly affected and can in turn lead to abuse either recieved or given.The "cycle" as it's been called many times can be endless. The trick is to catch it, and change it , so it doesn't dictate your future and that of your family. I read in "O" magazine of all things, that children of abuse usually need to fall off a cliff before they can realize they need to take the stairs. Very poignant and very true. For me, getting divorced and almost losing my son was the year and a half of hell I needed to turn my life around . I've misstepped a few times since than , and it has been Tommy, Jennifer, and Maria that has brought me back. This book is part of that. It is on my list of goals. I hope Tommy reads it one day. Tommy , Jennifer , and Maria have been the most important parts of my life. Without them there is no me. There is no hope. No drive. My future will hopefully see more children, charity, and a great deal of travel. I still want to see the big waves of Teahupoo, dive with Great Whites, and walk the Great Wall of China. I know, not hope, that these will all happen. This is such an amazing world we live in. So much life. So much kindeness. So much love. Hopefully I can give so much of my love , kindness, and life to everyone around me. In spite of my childhood , I know it has left me a better man.