The heart of the matter

The days after my final custody hearing I spent cleaning up the mess we had made. It's not as easy as just shaking hands and going your separate ways. We still had a big mess. First we had to figure out a schedule. I told Maria that I wanted to Pick Tommy up from daycare every day at 2 when I got off regardless of whose day it was. I was fortunate enough to have a job that gave me the flexibility to spend a great many hours a day with my son. Unlike most moms and dads that work a 9 to 5 job, I could get off early and do all the school related tasks like homework and projects. Initially Maria was hesitant but eventually she realized the benefit of having at least one parent present at all times. Sure I took a hit on pay, but in the end it was totally worth it. After the smoke settled, we started looking at financial liability. The court ordered a certain dollar amount that I was responsible for but in the end I decided on a different dollar amount that would hopefully provide Maria with a little added flexibility. I think on many occasions Ex's remain mad after the divorce. They almost walk around with a chip on their shoulder. I didn't want that to be me. What's done was done. I didn't want to let any left over anger cloud any of my decisions regarding Tommy or my dealings with Maria. It's not easy. At all. But you have to make that decision to let it go and move forward. One time Jenn asked me "Aren't you mad at some of the things she did?" Oh yeah I told her. I went through a cycle of sorrow, followed by anger, followed by frustration, ending in resolution. I went through this cycle at least 20 times a day. I also had to find a way to integrate my relationship with Jenn into the mix. Maria hadn't met Jenn yet. I was nervous about that. One thing I told Jenn was that to think of Maria as Tommy's mom not my ex wife. "It's natural to feel awkward about this Tom. Jenn's only information on Maria is that you were so hurt during your divorce. That's her perception. Maria's perception will be who is this girl around my son? You can greatly help determine how they both relate to each other by your actions. Just be supportive and very respectful. Maria is Tommy's mom so you need to show Tommy that you respect his mom. At the same time, if you want to consider Jenn an equal you must respect perspective.It's a balancing act. " My therapist and I had been working on a way assimilate all parties involved. I didn't know if I was being too idealistic with regards to how our family would look in the future. In the midst of all this I started to notice the bond that Tommy was forming with Jenn. He listened to her. When I tickled him he yelled for her to help. When I was tickling Jennifer, he would run to her aid. One day, Jennifer showed Tommy how to throw a football. He listened to her for some reason instead of me. One night while he said his prayers he made sure to include Jennifer and her new nephew Austin. I was floored. Jennifer has often said that she didn't want to be a step mom. However, as the days turned into months and than to years, that is exactly what she became. Jennifer was protective of Tommy as well. I watched the way she walked with. Fiercely protective but at the same time not in the slightest bit overbearing. On many occasions Tommy confided in Jennifer before me. I never thought I'd be so proud of the bond that they had formed. One thing my therapist and I saw in the future was how we would integrate extended families into this whole situation. Jenn's family knew I had a child and Maria's family knew of Jenn. So it was just a matter of time before all parties involved met each other. One day Tommy came home from school and asked me two questions that stopped my heart. "Dad, why are you and mommy divorced? will Jennifer be my step mom?" All of the sudden I got nervous and on the horizon I saw the impending storm.