The Dark Side of the Moon

Realizing that it's time to move on is sometimes the hardest part. It comes in stages and can hit you hard in the beginning , but the long lasting aftereffects sometimes never go away. I was devastated when Maria and I got divorced. I cried for days. I didn't want to move. I was so sad. On some level I'm still very sad about it. I took a vow "till death do us part" seriously. I knew Maria and I would always be connected through Tommy, but I missed knowing that I could talk to her. There more attached I grew to Jennifer, the less heartache I felt over my divorce. I wasn't quite sure how to reconcile all this with Tommy. I didn't know if he remebered me loving his mom. You know that feeling when you see mom and dad together? You feel kind of strange, I mean it's mom and dad, but you feel comfort in knowing that your parents love eachother. I wish he had seen us when we were younger. I kept many of our highschool and early pictures so he could see that his mom and dad loved eachother. He came into this world surrounded by so much love. The love is still there , just in two seperate houses. When I fell in love with Jennifer I told him how much she meant to me. How she made me laugh. I told him that one day he'll be lucky if he feels the way I felt. I've never spoken of our conversation about this. It was awkward at first. I told him that you know how walking into a dark room is scary. But, if mommy or daddy is there to hold your hand, you'll bury your head in our stomachs and walk through with us. You're still scared , but you know you're protected. I told him that was how true love was. You know life is scary, but when you walk through with someone you love , you hold eachothers hand and find a way to get through. It's a leap of faith. You put all your trust when you jump off the sidewalk that dad will catch you. When I woke up each day I felt like I knew Jennifer would catch me. I hoped that she in turn felt that same way. I knew wahat I wanted in life. I knew what was important. It's a little more clear when you've lost everything . What I wanted Tommy to understand was that allthough mommy and I weren't together, Jennifer and I being together wasn't in anyway a denial of the past, it was merely daddy finding a love that was long lasting for the future. I explained that all the fights that mommy and daddy had been through helped daddy find so many things in Jennifer. To be quite honest , I don't think I would have appreciated some one like Jennifer 10 years ago. I needed the pain, the turmoil, and heartache to truly appreciate what love with a true life partner would be like. Tommy sat in silence for a while and then said the most amazing thing. "So who helped Jennifer realize she loved you?" Wow. Unbelievable. It's one of those things that kids just say. Very honest. Very smart. Very true. I kind of sidestepped the question but later that night I couldn't sleep. I sat on the couch in such disarray. I had loved Maria so much , but had grown from where we were. Therapy helped so much. I was able to talk it out. I was able to think about my own personal issues and try to resolve them. It wasn't easy. It left me emotionaly drained half the time. But when all was said and done, I knew I was a better man for it. Not just a better man for Tommy, or the world, but a better man for myself. I was believing in myself. I was loving myself. I knew that the scars I had from my childhood would always be there, but I talked about them. I felt secure enough to tell Jennifer about those painfull things. For the first time I had opened up. It's so awkward as a man to sit across from the woman you love and tell her that you are scared. Men don't do it. We bottle it up. Jennifer gave me the security and comfort to do that. The real concern for me suddenly was that Jennifer hadn't gotten comfortable with her scars. I couldn't make her do it. It had to be a choice. I knew that choice would only come when she was ready. My concern was that she wasn't ready to move on from her past. She was still holding on. It's so much easier said than done. You hear it all the time"move one","get over it","get past this". the reality is that is so hard to move on from a past that has left you hurt and bewildered. Until you do, you'll constantly be searching for an answer. That answer can be disguised as addiction, bad habits, bad realtionships, and depression. None of these will make much a difference. They will only add to the confusion. My heart ached for Jennifer. I wanted her to be able to take a deep breath and get past all of her pain. Many times my pain for Jenn would manifest it self as frustration I knew our relationship would only get better if she sought out help. It's a hard thing to do. I was left wondering if the plan to get engaged was truly a good idea. On one hand, we had an amazing love. Trust, friendship, support, honor, and honesty. On the other hand I was still nursing my own wounds as was she. One day it all came to a head for me. We were moving out of our 2 bedroom 2 bath appartment into a 3 bedroom 2 bath in the same complex. The movers had brought everything out and for the most part we just doing the final clean up. This appartment was the first place I had moved when Maria and I got separated. I looked around at my empty bedroom and brokedown. This was only supposed to be temporary. All of the sudden I felt lost again. I had let Tommy down. I had let God down. I was so empty. I couldn't get the feeling of depression and darkness out of my head. It was so fast. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. On one hand I was over the moon for Jennifer. I should be happy. I should be content. But on this day the feeling of darkness, of isolation was overwhelming. I could feel my mind slip into a dark hole that I hadn't been in since the divorce. I had no words. I went to our new place and started to help unpack. The feeling didn't go away. It grew. As each day passed by I felt my body shut down. I had fallen in to a deep dark depression. I showed up to my next therapy session a shell of the man that was there just 2 weeks prior. I needed help.