Living in denial

"What's happened Tom?" my therapist asked. When I walked in she later told me she feared I looked manic. I hadn't gotten much sleep in the past 2 days. I didn't know what was going on in my mind. "I asked her dad for her hand in marriage. He accepted. We moved. It just hit me. I don't want to this again. I can't go through this again. I don't want Tommy to get hurt. I can't handle the pain. " I was so sick to my stomach. Sitting there with my therapist she started to pull back the layers. "Wow. OK. So you asked her father for her hand in marriage. Why? You had mentioned before that you were going to give it some more time. What changed?" "I don't know. I was sitting there thinking about it and all I could to was recite vows in my head. I went to Krogers with her dad and it just came to me. We had just gotten to Denton. Said hi to her family. It seemed right. I don't know." "Ok . Well Tom may I offer an analogy? It's Thanksgiving. You're sad. You don't have any family around you. Tommy is with his mom. You feel alone. You feel alone. You feel alone. So you did something that would in your mind keep you from feeling alone in the future. I'm not in any way saying that you won't end up with Jennifer. You may. But realize what your motivation is. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Or are you more concerend with not being alone?"The words stung. I knew what she was saying. The truth was that Jennifers family gave me a great sense of comfort. I loved them. They obviously loved eachother so much. I can recount so many great memories with Jennifers family. They played games together. They went out to eat together. And no matter what anybody was doing, they were supportive. They weren't perfect. No family is perfect. But they were a family. You could tell they would rally around eachother in a time of need. I often had encouraged Jenn to spend more time around her family. In the beginning I felt she was to preoccupied with going out and try to catch up with every person in town. Most nights were spent drinking and the next day was spent recovering. As our time had together had progressed I encouraged her to engage in more family time. We always seemed to have more fun doing that. As I explained to my therapist this dynamic she made another observation . "I know how much you long for a family Tom. You don't have one. It's like someone that has been starving for years and they are suddenly given food. They cherish every bite. They don't understand someone who in their eyes wastes food. However, if starving has never been a concern for you, it's hard to see there ever being a shortage of food. You get what I'm saying?" It all made sense. It realy did. " I don't have all the answers Tom. And I don't have a crystal ball, but are you sure you aren't trying to marry her family. I know you love her. I've seen men talk about women and I know the only thing they see is physical. You are not that guy. You love her. Everything that she is. In the 2 years you've been together, I've never heard you say anything bad about her. You never complain about her. You love who she is. I think that is amazing. If you do get married I know you'll be marrying your best friend. But ... and here is my concern....it's all about denial. Don't deny the fact that what you want most is a family. It's OK. But it is not the only reason to get married." " So what do I do?" "Nothing. Her family obviously feels as though you are a worthy addition to the family. A father doesn't take a proposal lightly. Who says you have to get engeged right now. Just give it time Tom. You're still hurting. Don't deny that. The wounds are still there. Don't run out and get a quick bandaid to fix it. Let your wounds heal, and then move forward. Ok? " I nodded.It felt a little better. "So you moved. You felt the pain right away didn't you? It's natural. What else is bothering you?" "I don't know. I just feel depressed. I don't know why. I was moving out and I feel like I've just made a mess of my life. I feel like I've made a mess of Tommy's life. I'm trying so hard to be a better man. Life is all about taking chances and living. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel like my feet are just stuck in the ground?" I had been feeling like this for some time. I realy wanted to move forward but I felt like some imaginary force was holding me back. I couldn't really explain it. "Ok. So here's what I want you to do. Make me a list of everything that you want to accomplish. I need 10 things. Take this serious Tom. The most sucessful men make lists. Life isn't going to wait for you. If you spend your time afraid of failure you'll never get anything done. So I want you to list everything that you want to do and than write how you plan on doing all of these things. Ok. Don't get engaged in the next 2 weeks. Just get this done. " I walked out of my appointment with clarity. A great sense of clarity. I t was almost as though the depression never had existed. I needed a game plan. Not just for me. For life. With everything that was going on around me I had forgotten to work on me. I was too busy worrying about everyone else . The truth was that if I didn't find a purpose I wouldn't be good for anyone. Not Jenn and not even Tommy. So I went home and.....got my shit together. For a little while at least.