Voices : The power of communication

As I said before my list sat around for a while. It was hard for me to apply to any one thing tangible. I had so many things that I wanted to do , but I lacked the drive or know how to pull the trigger and do one of them. As you've probably figured out, I have an affinity for movies and music. I still cry during "Steel Magnolias", and "Hard for me to say I'm sorry" still makes my heart flutter. One day not long ago was driving listening to an easy listening channel on the radio and a song called"One voice" came on. It was sung by a young boy and it was about having a voice that needed to be heard in the world. Later that night I watched a movie called "Allways". "Allways " was about a man who dies heroically and as a ghost has to help the love of his life get over him by inspiring her new flame. It's sappy . Both of these hit home on the same day. It made me realize how much we as people don't say in our lives and in many cases we wait until it's too late. I didn't want that to be the case for me anymore. About 3 years ago , not long after I made my list, I had a revalation"I'm never going to get passed my marriage if I don't speak to Maria." So I called her and asked if I could talk to her. I felt so horrible leading up to our talk. I knew it wouldn't be anywhere near as smooth in real life as it played out in my mind. It was a talk long in the making. I stammered and realy couldn't look Maria in the eye. I knew that our wounds were still pretty deep and was also sure that watching me fall in love with another woman had been hard on her. She stood there poised and ready to strike. I knew she would, but this wasn't about her. "Maria, I'm very sorry. I was a horrible husband. I didn't nurture our relationship. I feel horrible everyday. I pace every night , because I feel like I've let you and Tommy down. I'm trying so hard to be a good man, and I just feel like I'm failing.I don't know what to do. I want to live a better life. " I stood there waiting and Maria just looked at me. She rolled her eyes and said "Is that it?" I nodded and she said goodbye. Not quite the way I had hoped , but the way I figured. I knew I had spent a lifetime of letting Maria down, so this act of sencerity was probably a little late. Regardless of how she took it, I knew that I had to say it. As I said before, "Sorry" is one of those things that requires a leap of faith. You just don't know if it is going to be accepted. At this time it wasn't. Later that week when I went to see my therapist I brought her my list. She looked it over , and then asked me what else was on my mind. I told her about my talk with Maria and how I felt I needed to apologize. I explained that I needed to get rid of my gulit before I could move on to a productive relationship with Jennifer. As allways my therapist took my actions and ideas ina whole different direction. "Tom, I need to ask you something and I realy want you to think about it before you answer. I know you want a family so much. I know you have so much pain in your childhood. I see it everytime you talk about Tommy. One of the things that broke up your marriage was your inability to communicate. You couldn't talk to Maria when it realy mattered. You hid . You ran away. You reverted to the scared little boy that was frightened of the dark. When it mattered most you lost your voice. Of all the things you need to change in your life , this is the most important. Your son will disappoint you one day. He'll break your heart.And you'll need to be able to communicate with him. One day you'll remarry. And she'll disappoint you to . She'll break your heart. And you'll need to be able to communicate. If I have any fear it's that in all of this turmoil you'll forget your voice." I knew what she was saying. When faced with turmoil I shut down. The voices go around in circles in my head but nothing ever comes out of my mouth. By the time I speak up the damage is usually done. We talked for an hour about what I needed to work on. I knew I had come up with a good over all life plan, but what I realy needed now was a good "daddy plan" and a good"husband plan". It was almost like a 12 step program. I had spent the last 3 and a half years getting acquainted with my past. feeling comfortable with it. Now I needed to work on my future. Not from a career standpoint, but from a life standpoint. I needed a set of guidlines that would hopefully help me be a better man. I felt that as the time had passed I had turned a corner in my own life. I was more secure. The nightmare had stopped. I was much more secure. At the same time I needed to be able to voice my insecurities, hopes , and fears as they arose. With my plan intact I set up a mental checklist of ideals that I would live and raise my family by.