The Language of Love

The movie "Love Actually" is one of my favorites. Yes, part of it is the romantic side of me, the other is that ....love truly is all around us. I never thought of myself as kid person, but I knew the day Tommy was born how much I could love. It really is earth shattering. The first time I held my son in my arms I lost it. He opened his little eyes and looked at me. All of the sudden it made sense. My life made sense. Nearly 4 years later , after a bitter divorce and custody battle, I held him so close. I didn't want to let go. Not even for a second. I still watch him sleep and cry my eyes out. In this crazy world , where I have felt so much pain , this little boy exists. He moves my spirit. He touches every nerve in my body. I feel sometimes , that I exist solely to protect him. It's hard to put into words. When Maria and I were going through the divorce and then the custody battle, I would have horrible nightmares. I would hear Tommy calling for me. I woke up in a panic. I couldn't sleep. I was so scared. To this day I still get those nightmares. There have been many a night that Jenn would go to sleep and I would stay up because I was afraid to go to sleep. I didn't want to dream. I didn't want to wake up in a panic. I would fall asleep on the couch by pure exhaustion. I don't know why I get these vivid dreams. It just happens. Each night when I would wake up I would get out of bed and pace. I would write little notes to Tommy in my journal about how much I loved him. I still do. I've never wanted or loved something so much as my son. As the years have gone by I've tried to give more of that love to others. I think we don't say it because it sounds strange coming out of our mouths for people other than spouses and family. The truth is, to love someone feels so good. So warm. I make it a point to tell the people close to me how much I love them and how much they mean to me. It's important. I often wonder if I was given so much love in my heart because I wasn't shown a great deal growing up. About 8 years ago I got a book called "The 5 Love Languages". I never read it. While I was going through the custody battle I did.Better late than never I guess. The book outlines 5 love languages

1. Words of affirmation


2. Quality time


3. Receiving gifts


4. Acts of service


5. Physical Touch

I wrote them down and held on to it. The book essentially says we as people identify with one of these and have a tendency toward one as well. For myself I realized what I had always wanted or should I say needed in a relationship was words of affirmation. I needed to know I was a good man. A good father. I had spent my youth being ridiculed and called names. This in many ways had broken my soul. I realized that while Maria was a wonderful woman in so many respects, her language of love was not words of affirmation. Her language was acts of service. Food was always ready when I got home. Laundry was done. I don't think I was successful at any of these. I just wasn't. I don't know why. I knew I loved her , but I didn't show it the way I did to Tommy. Tommy got all 5 languages from me. He still does. Whether he realizes it or not when he holds me and says "your the best daddy" my heart sores. It is everything I could ever need.

After reading the book I started feeling very guilty. I hadn't really shown Maria Any of these things. I had essentially sabotaged my marriage because I didn't know how to love. I just existed with the marriage. I often wondered what would have happened had I read this book before Tommy was born. One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't going to make that mistake again. Jenn would know each day how much she was loved . So I made a mental note to myself to express each language to Jenn daily. I would always tell her I loved her and how amazing she was. I would try to spend quality time with her. I definitely showered her with gifts.I cooked, washed her car, and did the laundry. And I always made sure to hold her hand , give her massages, and kiss her around every corner.

The amazing thing about speaking all these languages is that it really makes you feel good. One thing I found out along the way was that it doesn't just have to be to your spouse or kids. Tell a friend of yours how much they mean to you. Pay the bill at lunch for someone .Open a door. Offer a helping hand. No matter how brief the time is with someone make it quality. Look at them in the eyes and listen to what they say. Pay attention. Shake hands and don't be afraid to give someone a real hug. It will definitely make any ones day , but I'll tell you something , it will make your day a lot brighter as well.

It was a after our divorce that I realized I needed in some way to make an effort to reach out to Maria. I didn't need any language from her, not that I would get it, but I wanted her to feel loved. So I made sure that Tommy always told his mom she was pretty. He gave her things. He gave hugs. I made sure he called at least 3 times a day to tell his mommy how much he loved her. It was important to me that he did that. My therapist had a entirely different perspective that was just as enlightening.

"I think that is amazing what you are doing Tom. You are showing your son that you acknowledge his mother. I wish more ex husbands would do that. Most don't even acknowledge their existence. They sit in different areas at school functions, wont even make eye contact. Whether you realize it or not , your are creating a very caring little boy at home. " It really made me feel good to know that after all of the pain Tommy and myself were coming out on the other side.