The fear of failure

When I was a child I was constantly fearful of failing. I hated the idea of letting my parents down. In retrospect I feared the emotional punishment I would recieve when I did fail. I somehow assimilated failing with being inadequate. The truth is sometimes you fail. Sometimes someone or something is just better than you. There is nothing wrong with that. It's just reality. For there to be a winner, there also must be a loser. I had won at some things and had failed at others. My fear was the ridicule. when I first called my parents to tell them that maria and I had decided to divorce I was told I was a failure as man. This was about a week after fathers day . I still had the Fathers day cards saying I was a wonderful man and wonderful father. It was confusing and hurtful to watch them testify against me in court. I didn't get it. I still don't.
What i realized was that as time had progressed , my fear of failure had grown. I was constantly second guessing myself. I would change my mind several times. I just didn't want to make the wrong decisions about anything. This of course was a far cry from the man that made snap decisions about everything. When I was young I would make and change plans on a whim. Maria was just along for the ride. Now was different. I needed constant reasurement that was making the right decision. On a daily basis I would text or call Jenn to ask her if she thought something was a good idea. I often acted like I didn't need her help, but nothing could have been farther from the truth. The reality was that I was constantly seeking her approval about just about everything in my life. When I disappointed her I was devastated. That devastation manifested itself in sarcasm. I acted like I didn't care. Like it was no big deal. The reality was that if and when I disappointed Jenn I felt sick to my stomach. One night Jenn got mad at me for not making reservations when I said I would and I walked out of the apt mad. If she would have look outside she would have seen me on the steps crying because I had let her down. I hated it. Everytime we argued I tended to leave to get distance. That distance was so she wouldn't see how her disappointment for me broke my heart. The more we argued the more I felt less like a man. The less I felt like a man, the more I tried to make it up to her. Ironically Jenn has an amazing shoe collection due to my feelings that I didn't deserve someone so amazing. I can actually look at each pair and remember what was going through my head when I bought them. The reality of our arguments is that sometimes couples just disagree. It happens. Often. For me I got flashbacks of being told I was stupid, the divorce, being called dumb, hearing I hate you. It was all this constant fear I had that I would or already had failed. Jenn never called me a failure or loser or a fuckup the way my parents did. She just said "why did you do this?" That to me was failure. I had let her down. And if I let her down I was letting Tommy down because he loved her.
In retrospect I realize on of the things I need to work on is being more open with my emotions. Now don't get me wrong ,I'm an openly emotional guy, but it's with outward emotions. A sad movie and I cry. Sometimes when Jennifer walks in a room it takes my breath away and I cry. My son whew.. I cry. I'm sappy. Or as Jenn likes to say cheesey. The problem I have is with the inner most emotions like fear and depression. Those I tend to hide. It wouldn't be that big of deal if they weren't so prevalent in my mind . But, having come from abuse those emotions tend to occupy much of my heart and mind. So what do you do? Open up? Be honest? Risk the possibility of scaring the hell out of the one you're with? Well, the answer is....drum roll.....yes. Of course you do. If someone loves you they love all of you not just the good stuff. the good and the bad. he happy and the sad. All the fears. Just let it go.
Home with Tommy, I started to wonder what it was I feared. I was fearful of making a mistake with Jenn. If we got married would she take care of Tommy if something happened to me? If we got married and had a child would she love Tommy as her own? If for some reason we didnt work out , would she just drop him like he was nothing? And there it was. I didn't want Tommy to grow up like me. Unloved, unwanted,discarded and made to feel less. The fear had come full circle.